MOVIE TIME: CANNIBALISM/PSYCHO, AND CASABLANCA

Cannibalism: ” The killing and consumption of all or part of an individual of the same species.”

” It’s called Casablanca and I don’t really know what it is all about.” – Ingrid Bergman

Just the mere thought of “cannibalism” is enough to stop some people dead in their tracks. Reliable studies show many folks get queasy when they try to digest stories about the topic, and a good chunk of them think serial killer cannibals are deviants. Cannibalism has even been classified as a ” mental disorder.”  When someone is called a “cannibal” it is not usually intended as a compliment, but rather a slur on the person’s character that slices them down to size. Despite all the apparent revulsion, people can never get their fill of cannibal pieces. Regardless of your preferences and tastes, such as exocannibalism, where you eat one’s enemies (a Red Sox fan gobbling down a salty Yankee fan); or endocannibalism, inside the tribe (having Aunt Millie for lunch with a little honey sprinkled on her), the forthcoming faintly gruesome account may be a little hard to stomach. Indeed it could leave you open mouthed in astonishment, but as always it serves to keep an open mind because cannibalism can nourish the creative impulses. With that off the table, so to speak, let us begin with the appetizer for a famous movie.

One of the most acclaimed motion pictures ever released was Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho”. A lugubrious foray into homicide and depravity featuring Anthony Perkins as the deranged Norman Bates, the 1960 cinematic masterpiece is regarded a classic in the horror genre. The memorable shower bloodbath where Janet Leigh is butchered left a deep impression on voyeurs and thrill seekers of various stripes and cravings. It is one of the iconic episodes in the movie annals so let us sneak behind the curtain by taking a peek at the genesis of the plot. To peel back the skin on the background, to get to the meat of the story if you will, requires a visit to a hearty old-fashioned tale of cannibalism.

Hitchcock modified a pulp fiction novel about a mentally baked murderer and brought it to life on the screen. The novel by Robert Bloch, coincidentally named ” Psycho”,  as indicated was fiction, but it was rooted in bone-crunching reality, a chilling blow-by-blow chronicle of savage indulgence that some found morally repugnant, outright unpalatable. The fiend in question was a cannibal and necrophiliac named Edward Gein, whose last name conveniently rhymed with spleen. Gein bore an eerie similarity to Psycho’s barbaric Bates. Ed’s mother was an oppressive domineering type who caused him ceaseless psychological discomfort. He was an isolated figure and some found his demeanor unsettling, others even called him ” Weird Old Eddie”, an insult that intensified his anti-social tendencies. The wretched old witch who tormented him finally died, but in an act of piety, Ed preserved her room. That may seem ghoulish, but it was a tasteful shrine used as a refuge when he became sullen and had distressing urges to indulge his minor breaches of social mores. Egads, the setting seemed to only feed his flesh feasting fetish. You might conjecture that it brought out the worst in him while the house and premises deteriorated. Some men back in that era just didn’t have the knack for housekeeping. However one of the problems at the Gein house was that when women did show up – Ed ate them. It adds a whole different flavor to the expression ” Stop over for dinner sometime.”

One of the women in question was the unsuspecting Bernice Worden. It is doubtful she would have visited Ed if she knew what awaited her.  She might have even been willing to give an arm and a leg to avert her somewhat grim fate. The place was mundane Plainfield, Wisconsin, and the year was 1957 when Bernice disappeared; people wondered where she was and started looking for her. The trail eventually led to Ed Gein’s farmhouse where the investigation took a macabre twist. Police found her but she wasn’t in very good shape: her heart was in the frying pan and the bulk of Bernice was rather indignantly stuffed in the icebox – she was dead. The officers also uncovered other oddities such as soup bowls meticulously molded out of human skulls and a belt crafted from human nipples. The menu of malevolence really surprised folks, they hadn’t seen anything like that in Plainfield before. The officers knew right then they had to take Gein into custody because he was a potential threat to the stability of the community.

Ed had clearly been industrious but gave cannibalism a bad stigma. One assumes many of the more responsible cannibals tried to distance themselves from him, lest they have their reputations besmirched. Law enforcement was hungry for information and to Ed’s credit, he was candid in his admission that he was culpable and did not try to conceal his misdeeds. He submitted an eye-popping confession that he had a peculiar compulsion and on occasion maybe went a little overboard in acting on it. There is little doubt that his dining habits were to the detriment of his victims, but were useful as a skeleton of the scheme for Hitchcock and the grisly Psycho which proved to be a spectacular critical and financial success.

There was also an unintended side-effect for audiences who saw the Hitchcock show. Some were able to save on soap and water because they developed ablutophobia, a grimy condition where the person suffers from a fear of bathing or showering. It even afflicted the aforementioned Janet Leigh after Psycho. The dreaded anxiety is reportedly quite common in the so-called Red States of political parlance and seems to be particularly frequent in Kentucky, no slight intended to trailer dwellers from Arkansas to Alabama. But leaving those utopian Bible-based Christian enclaves aside and returning to the main theme, even among less developed species such as Republicans, cannibalism is not that common. And in fact, among primates only 11 species have been found to practice it, and overall just 75 species, although researchers are enthusiastically looking for more.

You can be confident that studies into cannibalism are not going to die a slow death. There are still plenty of inquiry bites on the plate and perhaps no topic generates more heat and controversy than the issue of dinosaur cannibalism. For a long time it seemed like a no-brainer, paleontologists were convinced pre-historic Jurassic Park ancestors devoured each other. But hold the sauce, the trend is now moving in the opposite direction. Unfortunately the dinosaurs at the Kentucky Creationist Museum decline to be interviewed, but recent indirect evidence from fossils indicates they may have been scavengers but not outright same-species consumers. Bite marks also indicate fighting which is really no different than any modern marriage where angry partners gnaw on each other to settle disputes. Nibbling on a mate hardly passes the taste test to elevate dinosaurs or one’s spouse to elite cannibal status.

The jury is still out on that bone of contention but in the meantime you can remain on the alert for plausible threats. For instance if you are in a relationship and the object of your desire allows you to examine them closely, it is cause for alarm if you observe enlarged jaw muscles (probably from practice), it is probably a dead giveaway they have more sinister designs. In technical terms, those closing jaw muscles are known as ” leviator mandibulae” , however you can gracefully exit from the situation by complimenting them in the vernacular, ” You have really nice choppers, but I don’t think I’m a real good fit.”

That will be the last sample of cannibalism for the day as we move from that raw archive of barbarity to another delectable treat – Casablanca. Released in late November of 1942 and based on a 1941 historical setting, it was well-received at the time and is now canonized in the pantheon of great films. Like Hitchcock’s triumph from above, it was derived from another source; however unlike Psycho, it didn’t feature any cannibals, just comparatively more civilized types like Nazis, Vichy French collaborators of dubious ethical stock, smugglers, corrupt police, con men, and the morally ambiguous lead character Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart).

The writers and producers at Warner Brothers in Hollywood adapted the movie version from a three-story play written by midtown Manhattan residents Murray Burnett and Joan Alison. Their original title was ” Everybody Comes to Rick’s” . Inspiration for their project came from a trip to Europe in 1938 when as loving husband and wife they visited Austria during the Nazi occupation (anschluss). They witnessed the disturbing malignity of anti-Semitism and were privy to stories of refugees following a convoluted escape route to Marseilles, which then branched over to Morocco, back to neutral Lisbon, and eventually to the U.S. A trip to Nice, France supplied more gravitas for their unfolding plot. (Keep in mind this was still in the late 1930s so America was not yet at war and U.S. citizens could still move about unhampered.) In Nice they stopped at a nightclub which was swarming with refugees, military personnel, and a black piano player from Chicago. This setting would be replicated in their play, and by extension, the movie, which upgraded parts of the narrative to accommodate the fast-moving events in Europe. With the bulk of the outline established, Burnett and Alison were originally going to make Lisbon the host city, but instead decided on more exotic Casablanca, a place neither of the co-authors had visited. Shortly after their return to the U.S., they had all the strands of the story in place and the draft was finished in the summer of 1940. Meanwhile, by June of that year the Germans had obliterated the somewhat inept French military and occupied the country. A few scraps were left to the French as they were allowed to administrate their collaborationist Vichy government in the southern region of the fractured nation with tentacles of jurisdiction stretching into North Africa.

Warner Brothers received the script on December 8, 1941 and was so confident of box office success they paid a hefty sum to Burnett and Alison for the rights. The initial outlay of $20,000 was the highest amount ever for an unproduced play, twice what Dashiell Hammett received for The Maltese Falcon. They also opted for a shorter catchier one-word title, hence Casablanca; it would prove to be a prudent choice and would ring immortal. Fraught with tension, romance, veiled sexual allusions, and of course verisimilitude because of the historical trappings, it shuffled from writer to writer at the studio for fine-tuning and revisions. Extreme care was taken with phrasing, because of the sexual entendre it had to squeeze by the snoopy censors who upheld the puritanical codes that guided content in that era. Surprisingly for a Hollywood effort, the essence of the play remained intact and the key was finding a cast that supplied the beguiling chemistry.

Ronald Reagan was briefly considered as the first choice for the lead role of Rick, but perhaps they feared he would fail to impress Nazis with a ” Gipper” speech or commentary on the virtues of supply-side economics, so it fell to Bogart. A product of gangster films, there was concern that he lacked sex appeal. But to paraphrase author Noah Isenberg in ” We’ll Always Have Casablanca”,  “Once Ingrid Bergman looked on him with an amorous glaze, that was rectified and he had sex appeal thereafter.” Contrary to the scandal mongers, their relationship was strictly professional and they had bare interaction off-screen. One can say this for those Hollywood types, they stick to the task at hand and eschew excess and hedonism. Not that Bogart was entirely immune to leaving a little dew on the lily, he just reserved it for other quarters. A sailboating enthusiast who developed a love for that pastime on Canandaigua Lake in upstate NY,  he proved a perfect match for the script with his compelling screen bearing and flawless control of dialogue.

Ingrid Bergman would scorch the screen as the female lead in the defining role of her career. The seductive Swede made her presence felt in some prior films and was on the ascent to stardom when she was contacted to play Ilsa Lund. The 27-year-old Bergman was living in Rochester, NY when notified of her selection. One assumes she was happy to leave Rochester and its perpetually foul weather and find a comfort level in more alluring California. Besides, no rational person considered Rochester a mecca of the film industry in those days although it would grow as an attraction for those of homicidal leanings. Hitchcock would have been delighted with the availability of source material had Rochester ever been on his itinerary.

In a movie that had a treasure lode of poignant moments, two of the most memorable were derived from songs.  Ilsa (Bergman) beseeches “Sam” the pianist/singer to play ” As Time Goes By” but he is reluctant because he has been forbidden by Rick to do so. Nevertheless Ilsa persisted and contrary to legend, neither she nor Rick ever said, ” Play it again, Sam”, they said, ” Play it, Sam.” And of course ultimately he complies, much to the delight of film and music aficionados then and ever since. Sam himself is an intriguing character. He is played by Arthur “Dooley” Wilson, a singer and drummer from Chicago who ironically had done performances in Morocco. There was one hitch in assembling the script: Dooley didn’t know how to play the piano. That service was performed off-screen by staff musician Elliot Carpenter as Sam mimicked him for the camera. In an interesting aside, there was initially the prospect of having Lena Horne being cast as the singer, which certainly would have changed the dynamics.

While “As Time Goes By” stroked the romantic pulse, the rousing rendition of ” La Marseillaise” at the nightclub in response to the Germans singing their own national anthem was one of the highlights that had a spillover effect. Because it symbolized defiance in the face of oppression it had more immediacy to the World War Two audiences. In theaters throughout America, moviegoers would rise and sing along as an act of solidarity with the French and other Europeans who suffered under the yoke of the heavy-handed Nazi regime. Because of German domination, the movie wouldn’t be released in Europe until 1945, initially in Lisbon, then later throughout the continent. The first version shown in Germany in 1952 didn’t include Nazis or the Marseillaise, which was as ludicrous as a 1955 CBS edition of ” The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” that failed to include black people or the word slavery. One may chafe at the excesses of political correctness in our modern era, but there have always been groups of tender sensibilities who took offense at the slightest provocation. Finally in 1975, the uncut edition of Casablanca was shown in Germany and it received a positive reception.

One of the great ironies of the movie was that many of the actors and extras were refugees from Europe. A number of them were in fact Germans who detested the Nazis and came to the U.S. as Hitler led the Reich down a ruinous path; while others fled from some thirty different nations. These included Peter Lorre and Paul Henreid, the latter played Victor Lazlo, who was one of the three main characters and was targeted by the Gestapo for arrest. The theme of refugees was of paramount importance in the story line, often eclipsing the romantic maneuvering.

Part of the tapestry of seduction is the multi-layered story lines and themes which speak to the historical milieu of the time and the throb of amorous longings raging eternal. Its force and popularity has endured. Many spin-offs, both in Hollywood and television have attempted to recapture the magic of the original, they were doomed to failure. None can meet the measure of Bogart and Bergman on a rainy night on a tarmac, a scene of parting spasms of anguish that etched them and the film as cultural monuments. And they are joined by a song,  As Time Goes By has struck romantic and nostalgic chords ever since and plucked aching notes on the landscape of broken hearts. As Noah Isenberg has observed, ” A song is the real star of the film.”

For your dessert, the sources:

Cannibalism: A Perfectly Natural History – Bill Schutt

We’ll Always Have Casablanca: The Life, Legend, and Afterlife of Hollywood’s Most Beloved Movie – Noah Isenberg

 

 

HEADLINES AND SPRING CRIME REPORTS

HEADLINES

THIS ZOO WILL LET YOU SCOOP UP POLAR BEAR DROPPINGS FOR $ 145

IOWA MAN REPORTS STOLEN BAG OF DOG POOP

JACK RUSSELL FAILS AT ASSAULT COURSE BUT LOVES EVERY MINUTE OF IT

THE KING OF SWEDEN DOESN’T WANT YOU TO BATHE

GERMAN GOVERNMENT PUTS UP WEBSITE TELLING HOW TO HAVE SEX WITH GERMAN WOMEN

PANTLESS DRIVER DIES AFTER BEING EJECTED THROUGH SUNROOF WHILE MASTURBATING TO PORN ON CELLPHONE

INVENTOR GETS SHOT IN GROIN TO TEST BULLETPROOF JOCK STRAP

SIGN: CAUTION: ” WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN”

HIRE ME – ” I HAVE AN EXCELLENT TRACK RECORD THOUGH I AM NOT A HORSE.”

NEED A WOMAN TO RUN UP CURTAINS

HUSKEY ESCAPES CAGE THEN LETS OTHER DOGS OUT

FEAR SPREADS OVER SINGING LOLLIPOP

WOMAN CLAIMS SHE OWNS THE SUN

PLAYFUL COW ASKS FOR HUGS FROM HUMANS

FLORIDA MAN ACCUSED OF THROWING GATOR INTO WENDY’S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW

AXE-THROWING CLUB WANTS LIQUOR LICENSE

THOUSANDS OF BLUE PEOPLE FLOCK TO HULL CITY

DAREDEVIL TO ATTEMPT JUMPING OUT OF PLANE AT 25,000 FEET WITHOUT A PARACHUTE

FISH CAN’T TALK, SO THEY PEE INSTEAD

HEROIN GIVEAWAY A SUCCESS

SPRING CRIME REPORT

LITTLE MAMA WEEMS ARRESTED IN LYONS   Little Mama Weems is the daughter of Big Mama Weems. Little Mama lacks the girth of her more celebrated parent and has lived in the shadows of the county’s most notorious belle of destruction. There is a division of labor in the family, though labor should not be interpreted in any gainful sense. Big Mama does the heavy work such as picking people up over her head and body-slamming them on the pavement, or holding them aloft and doing twirlies before she tosses them into the canal. She has made a big splash over the years with her many adventures and when enraged she can be quite a terror. She was beside herself in fury during the one incident where her foes assaulted her using aluminum bats. She declared that unfair. She had no objection to being attacked with the standard wooden bats to even the odds, but something about the sound of aluminum smacking into her ample flesh disturbed her. Indeed on the occasion in question, two fierce blows that struck her face and knee caused her to wince, and she growled as she hobbled through the streets dragging her assailant through slush and mud puddles before she deposited him upside down in a trash can. (Note: I was in Lyons the other day and apparently all the trash cans in the streets have been removed because people were using them for toilets.)

Big Mama was hampered by a limp the last time I saw her right before I moved from Lyons. But she seems fully recovered now and a week ago she worked up quite a thirst as she was prowling the streets looking for victims, including Eric Lewis, who purportedly stole her McDonald’s coupons some time back. To assist in Big Mama’s mission of mayhem,  her daughter Little Mama dutifully raced to the lively Lyons Kwik-Fill and snatched a fountain drink, unfortunately in her haste, she evidently forgot to pay for it. Perhaps it was just a minor oversight, but either way, she was arrested for Petit Larceny and will appear in court with a glowering Big Mama acting as counsel as she pleads her case.

CRANKY FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW ARRESTED IN LYONS   Teresa Seaman is a 51-year-old who curses like a sailor and is given to waves of unseemly outbursts. One of the prickly prods that provokes her is the young lady who is planning to marry mother Teresa’s only beloved son. Teresa doesn’t think the woman is fit to marry such a fine boy who grew up in a civilized household in Lyons. To create possible second thoughts and give a hint that there may be turmoil on the horizon if they wed, mother Teresa picked up a small fire safe and tried to crush the head of the clearly intimidated potential daughter-in-law. Fortunately a State Trooper happened to be at the scene because he was notified that trouble may be forthcoming. He managed to intervene before a tragedy transpired and seized the seething Seaman. She was charged with Menacing and Criminal Possession of a Weapon, and bail was set at $ 300. There has been no indication yet as to whether the son and his fiance intend to bail her out so she can attend the wedding.   

TOPS MARKETS NOT SO FRIENDLY   Despite the advertisement jingle promoting Tops ” Friendly” Markets, their stores hardly meet the claims in the tagline of the commercial; inside or outside. Inside, one deals with the exasperation of poor customer service, grossly inflated prices, and lengthy checkout lines; and outside in Lyons last week, the store parking lot was the scene of a fracas that might suggest that their clientele is still a notch below the civilization cutoff. Apparently Alisha Abbott was agitated, and not entirely over a bad experience in the store, purportedly the 28-year-old redhead sought revenge for a trivial slight. What we know for sure is that the agile Abbott dragged a woman from a vehicle by yanking on her hair, then put the boots to her – she delivered ferocious kicks to the stomach of the victim, who groaned and writhed as the blows struck. Spectators became very excited and shouted in jubilation as they thought it may be part of a creative Lyons store promotion. It was quite a commotion but the disappointed crowd quickly dispersed when the Sheriff arrived. The officer observed a woman in mild distress complaining of stomach pain and a triumphant Abbott strutting about the lot, raising her hands in victory. One witness even claimed Abbott muttered something to the effect of – ” When anyone steals a candy bar from me, there will be consequences.”

There certainly were consequences. The ailing victim was treated for minor injuries at the scene and hastily departed; meanwhile Abbott was charged with Harassment, Disorderly Conduct, and because a 9-year-old was present, Endangering the Welfare of a Child. She was transported to the Wayne Co. Sheriff Office for processing, then released with court appearance tickets. She was also admonished not to attack people on the premises of Tops because it was bad for business, and tourists driving down Rte. 31 might get the wrong impression about Lyons and it could tarnish its reputation.

PANIC AT THE PUMP?   Whether Lyons does or will suffer an image problem is open to question but the sleepy, peaceful, bucolic Erie Canal town narrowly averted an explosive situation when deputies sped to the Kwik-Fill located on bustling Rte. 31. Staff at the store became concerned when they noticed little Ava McGinnis and her intoxicated companions trying to ignite the gas pumps with lit cigarettes. One astute bystander cautioned that if you mix cigarettes and gas there is the potential for a combustible calamity. Indeed, had the pumps erupted, it could have wiped out the whole block, including the nearby Tops. That could create hardship for residents looking for an open space to grapple.

Fortunately Lyons remains intact because the 21-year-old Ava was arrested and charged with Driving While Ability Impaired by Drugs and Alcohol, Aggravated Unlicensed Operation of a Motor Vehicle, Criminal Possession of a Controlled Substance, and Unlawful Possession of Marijuana. She was immediately released on her own recognizance because she had to retrieve her car which had a flat tire, and management at the Kwik-Fill wanted the car and Ava gone. They considered her and her shady looking companions a menace, and feared they might discourage customers from shopping there as they may not want to be party to an impromptu inferno.

HEADLINES AND REGULATING SEX

HEADLINES

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF PREFAB IRISH PUBS

STAR TREK SHIP SPOTTED IN SKY BY SKEPTIC

WANTED FUGITIVE RUNS INTO SWAT TEAM CONDUCTING TRAINING EXERCISES

VIRGINIA COPS BUST DRIVERS FOR DRIVING WITHOUT ICE CREAM

AUTHORITIES TO SEARCH MANCHESTER HOME OF WOMAN MISSING 35 YEARS

WARNING SIGN: ” BEWARE OF ROAD SURPRISES”

NAKED LADY DANCING ON TRUCK SLOWS TRAFFIC IN HOUSTON

TEXAS WOMAN WAKES UP WITH BRITISH ACCENT AFTER COMMON JAW SURGERY

COYOTES STARING DOWN DRIVERS MAY BE HIGH ON MUSHROOMS

EXPERIENCED MAN SEEKING WORK: I WAS CHAPTER PRESIDENT OF MY ORGANIZATION FROM 1887-1992

WANTED: TWO STRONG CLEAN YOUTHS FOR SAUSAGES

MAN SENDS WOMAN A BILL AFTER SHE TURNS HIM DOWN FOR A SECOND DATE

LOTTERY WINNER WANTS TO SUE LOTTERY COMMISSION FOR RUINING HER LIFE

MARYLAND MAN CHARGED WITH 6TH DUI AFTER LEAVING AA MEETING

MAN CHARGED WITH ROBBING BANK WITH A SEX TOY

PRISONER INJURED AFTER INJECTING PENIS WITH PETROLEUM JELLY

MAN HOLDS UP TWO STORES USING ONLY A WINDSHIELD SNOW BRUSH

POLICE DESTROY FARMHOUSE TO CAPTURE HOMELESS MAN ARMED WITH AN ICE CREAM BAR

REGULATING SEX

IN CONNORSVILLE, WISCONSIN IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A MAN TO SHOOT OFF HIS GUN WHILE A WOMAN IS HAVING AN ORGASM

IN WILLOWDALE, OREGON IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A MAN TO CURSE DURING SEX

IN ALEXANDRIA, MINNESOTA IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A MAN TO MAKE LOVE TO HIS WIFE WITH THE SMELL OF GARLIC, ONIONS, OR SARDINES ON HIS BREATH. LAW MANDATES THAT IF HIS WIFE REQUESTS, HE MUST BRUSH HIS TEETH.

BOZEMAN, MONTANA THE LAW BARS ALL SEXUAL ACTIVITY BETWEEN MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE FRONT YARD OF A HOME AFTER SUNDOWN, IF THEY ARE NUDE.

NEWCASTLE, WYOMING IT IS AGAINST THE LAW TO HAVE SEX WHILE STANDING INSIDE A STORE’S WALK-IN FREEZER.

AND IN COUER D’ALENE, IDAHO POLICE MAY NOT KNOCK ON A CAR WINDOW WHILE A COUPLE IS HAVING SEX. THEY MUST HONK THEIR HORN THREE TIMES AND WAIT TWO MINUTES.

JUST HEADLINES

SPORTS STAR THANKS BOTH HIS WIFE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND IN TV INTERVIEW

70 POUND $ 700 POPCORN BALL IS RETURNED AFTER THEFT

CATS TO REPLACE HUSBANDS

FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED AGAIN FOR YOU KNOW WHAT

SWEDISH POLITICIAN PROPOSES TO GIVE EMPLOYEES PAID TIME OFF TO HAVE SEX

TALL BLONDE WOMAN CLAIMS TO BE AN ALIEN

WOMAN MARRIES HOUSE TO STOP EVICTION

CHEATING FRENCHMAN SUES UBER FOR TIPPING OFF WIFE ABOUT AFFAIR

CUB SCOUT NATURE HIKE ENDS UP AT NUDE BEACH

OHIO WOMAN ACCUSED OF STABBING BOYFRIEND FOR EATING ALL THE SALSA

WIFE BITES OFF HUSBAND’S EAR DURING ARGUMENT ABOUT BEER

MILWAUKEE NEIGHBORHOOD ON EDGE AFTER REPORT OF LION ROAMING STREETS

STUDY SHOWS HOT DOGS DO NOT CONTAIN HUMAN MEAT

MASTURBATOR YANKED FROM LIBRARY

EASTER BUNNY IN MALL BRAWL

SERBIA ASKS PEOPLE TO STOP THROWING GRENADES IN THEIR GARAGES

UNDERWATER BEDROOM LETS YOU SLEEP WITH SHARKS

MAN SUFFERS BURNS AFTER TRYING TO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE

RESOLUTION RECOGNIZING PORK INDUSTRY SPONSORED BY FRY, MOORE, BACON

CAN’T SLEEP? CALL THIS HOTLINE FOR WEIRD SLEEP INDUCING NOISES

CHURCH TURNS INTO BAR AFTER SERVICES EVERY SUNDAY

NAKED WOMAN GOES ON RAMPAGE IN CHURCH

DEFENSE LAWYER’S PANTS CATCH FIRE DURING ARSON TRIAL

WARNING: ” COWS MAY BE FRISKY”

AIRLINE BREWS BEER THAT TASTES BEST AT 35 THOUSAND FEET

HEADLINES AND LAST ROUND OF SILLY LAWS

HEADLINES

CREMATORIUM PLANS PUT ON BACK BURNER

THIS BROTHEL IS STAFFED BY SEX DOLLS

GHOST FILMED PEDALING EXERCISE BIKE IN EMPTY GYM

COPS CAUGHT HAVING SEX IN CAR WHILE IGNORING ROBBERY CALL

MAN STANDS UNDER LOOSE SIGN FOR TWO DAYS, HOPING IT WILL FALL AND HIT HIM SO HE CAN SUE

TWO MOMS HAVE BABY WITH A STRANGE MAN

BILL PROHIBITS FEDERAL WORKERS FROM WATCHING PORN AT WORK

WASHINGTON D.C. COULD SINK SIX INCHES OVER THE NEXT CENTURY

EIGHTH-GRADERS ASKED TO WRITE ABOUT BOOZE, HERPES, AND ONE-NIGHT STANDS

MAYOR UNVEILS ERECTION TO CHEERING CROWD

MAN STABS FRIEND DURING THREESOME FOR REFUSING TO SWITCH

FIRST-TIME FLIER MISTAKES EMERGENCY EXIT FOR BATHROOM

HOMEOWNER SAYS 19 VEHICLES HAVE CRASHED INTO HIS HOUSE SINCE 1960

OHIO MAN ARRESTED AFTER SEX ACT WITH VAN

AT LEAST THREE INJURED AFTER OWNER TRIES TO PUT SWEATER ON PIT BULL

NASA SAYS THE END OF THE WORLD IS THIS MONTH

DETECTIVE LOSES PAJAMAS DURING CHASE

MAN DRESSED AS BEER BOTTLE WANTED FOR PIZZA THEFT

LAWS

IN PENNSYLVANIA, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A MINISTER TO PERFORM MARRIAGE WHEN BRIDE OR GROOM IS DRUNK

ALSO IN PENNSYLVANIA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO CATCH A FISH WITH ANY BODY PART EXCEPT THE MOUTH

OKLAHOMA DOES NOT ALLOW TAKING A BITE OUT OF ANOTHER PERSON’S HAMBURGER

AND ALSO IN OKLAHOMA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO READ A COMIC BOOK WHILE DRIVING

AND AGAIN FROM OKLAHOMA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO WEAR YOUR BOOTS TO BED

IN MASSACHUSETTS, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR TAXI DRIVERS TO MAKE LOVE IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THEIR TAXIS DURING THEIR SHIFTS.

IN DETROIT, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A MAN TO SCOWL AT HIS WIFE ON SUNDAY.

IN CALIFORNIA, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR ANIMALS TO MATE PUBLICLY WITHIN 1500 FEET OF A TAVERN OR SCHOOL.

IN CERRITOS, CALIFORNIA, ALL DOG WASTE MUST BE REMOVED FROM ANY YARD WITHIN SEVEN DAYS

IN CALIFORNIA, DETONATING A NUCLEAR DEVICE WITHIN ANY CITY LIMITS IS A $ 500 FINE

AND IN LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO CURSE ON A MINI-GOLF COURSE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEADLINES, AND LAWS OF DUBIOUS VALUE

HEADLINES

WOMAN CALLS COPS WHEN POT DEALER DOESN’T RETURN

STOP DONATING CHAIN SAWS AND HIGH HEELS TO DISASTER VICTIMS

MAN INTERVIEWING FOR JOB IMMEDIATELY REGRETS STEALING COMPANY PRESIDENT’S WALLET

RESEARCH SHOWS THAT RATS CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DUTCH AND JAPANESE WHEN PLAYED BACKWARD

HOW TO SURVIVE A GATOR ATTACK: ” FIGHT LIKE HELL”, WILDLIFE EXPERTS SAY

PENNSYLVANIA MAN GETS PROBATION IN VAMPIRE SEX GAME CASE

MAN ARRESTED FOR DRIVING WHILE SLEEPING CLAIMS HE WAS TIRED

CITY BIRDS ARE SMARTER THAN RURAL BIRDS

WOMAN BLOWS UP HOME SHE WAS TRYING TO FIX

EX-MINISTER BREAKS SILENCE, SAYS NOTHING

DARTH VADER ROBS NORTH CAROLINA BANK AT GUNPOINT

BANKER SAYS HE SAW THE AFTERLIFE TWICE

JUDGE SAYS MAN CAN EITHER GET MARRIED OR GO TO JAIL

WEDDING ENDS IN BRAWL AFTER BRIDE MARRIES GUEST INSTEAD OF GROOM

TRY THE BIZARRE OWL CAFE WHERE YOU GET UP CLOSE WITH A BIRD OF PREY

BUILDER IS VERY LUCKY AFTER FIRING NAIL INTO HIS CROTCH

TENANT FAILED TO GIVE NOTICE BEFORE DYING

STUDENT RELIEVED THAT MISSING PENIS LOCATED

SAND FOUND ON BEACH SHOCKER

POLICE WARN OF COWS ON THE RUN SELLING DAIRY PRODUCTS

IT’S THE LAW, SO OBEY

IN PENNSYLVANIA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO SING IN THE BATHTUB

IT IS ILLEGAL TO DRIVE WHILE ASLEEP IN TENNESSEE

IN FOUNTAIN INN, SOUTH CAROLINA, HORSES ARE TO WEAR PANTS AT ALL TIMES

IN RHODE ISLAND, ANY MARRIAGE WHERE EITHER PARTY IS AN IDIOT OR A LUNATIC IS NULL AND VOID

IN DANVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA, ALL FIRE HYDRANTS MUST BE CHECKED ONE HOUR BEFORE ALL FIRES

IN OKLAHOMA, DOGS MUST APPLY FOR A PERMIT AND HAVE IT SIGNED BY THE MAYOR IN ORDER TO CONGREGATE IN GROUPS OF THREE ON PRIVATE PROPERTY

IN DETROIT, IT IS ILLEGAL TO THROW AN OCTOPUS ONTO THE ICE AT A HOCKEY GAME

IN MARSHALLTOWN, IOWA, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR HORSES TO EAT FIRE HYDRANTS

IT IS ILLEGAL TO TAKE A LION TO THE MOVIES IN BALTIMORE

YOU MAY NOT TAKE A CRAP ON YOUR NEIGHBOR IN MASSACHUSETTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEADLINES, LAWS, AND PRONOUNCING ARKANSAS

HEADLINES

PLUMBER FIRED AFTER POSTING PICTURE OF FEMALE CLIENT’S SEX TOY

SEX DOLL SCARES AWAY THIEVES

MAN WHO TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH MAILBOX FOUND DEAD

MAN SUFFERING FROM CONSTIPATION HAS 11-POUND STOOL REMOVED

WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER FIGHTING WITH HUSBAND WHO WOULDN’T STOP FARTING

WOMAN MISSING SINCE SHE GOT LOST

POLICE SUSPECT FOUL PLAY AFTER MAN REPORTS HIS WIFE HAS BEEN MISSING FOR TWO YEARS

WOMAN KNOCKED TO GROUND BY CATFISH THAT FELL FROM THE SKY

RUNAWAY COW DROPS FROM SKY, DAMAGES HOME

SHERIFF’S  DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCES THERE IS NO ZOMBIE OUTBREAK

SITTING ON WALLS LEADS TO POT SMOKING

POLICE SAY  BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A HUGE STOLEN GORILLA WEARING SUNGLASSES

BURGLAR KNOCKS OVER PAINT CAN, LEAVES TRAIL OF FOOTPRINTS

BACON IS SPOKESMAN FOR EGG BOARD

STUDY SHOWS THAT TOO MANY CARS ON THE ROAD CAN CAUSE CONGESTION

TALKING MANATEE SAYS: ” EVERY LIFE IS PRECIOUS.”

SCIENTISTS GROW HUMAN ARMS AND LEGS ON TREES !

SLOW PROGRESS FOR ROTTING ESTATE VICTIMS

FAMILY IS SURPRISED TO FIND OUT LION CUBS SCRATCH, BITE, AND PEE

COURT SAYS BULLDOGS HAVE A RIGHT TO BE UGLY

LAW AND DISORDER

IN PENNSYLVANIA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO SLEEP ON TOP OF A REFRIGERATOR OUTDOORS

A TEXAS LAW REQUIRES CRIMINALS TO GIVE VICTIMS 24 HOURS NOTICE IN ADVANCE OF THE CRIME AND EXPLAIN THE NATURE OF THE CRIME TO BE COMMITTED

IT IS AGAINST THE LAW TO RUN OUT OF GAS IN YOUNGSTOWN, OHIO, AND YOU ALSO CANNOT RIDE ON THE ROOF OF A CAB IN YOUNGSTOWN.

IN OKLAHOMA, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR THE OWNER OF A BAR TO ALLOW ANYONE INSIDE TO PRETEND TO HAVE SEX WITH A BUFFALO.

THE INDIANA LEGISLATURE HAS DECLARED THE VALUE OF PI TO BE 3.4,  NOT 3.14

THE INDIANA LEGISLATURE HAS ALSO MADE IT ILLEGAL FOR A MAN TO BE SEXUALLY AROUSED IN PUBLIC

IN MINNESOTA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO SLEEP NAKED

IN GLENDALE, ARIZONA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO HAVE MORE THAN TWO DILDOS IN A HOUSE

IN LOS ANGELES, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR DOGS TO MATE WITHIN 500 FEET OF A CHURCH, BREAKING THE LAW IS PUNISHABLE BY A $ 500 FINE AND/OR SIX MONTHS IN PRISON

IT IS ILLEGAL TO MISPRONOUNCE ARKANSAS WHILE IN ARKANSAS