PUBLIC RESTROOMS USING FACIAL RECOGNITION TO RATION TOILET PAPER
MUGGERS WIELDING PEPPER SPRAY STEAL MAN’S LAXATIVES IN SAN FRANCSICO
FREE WI-FI USERS NOW LEGALLY BOUND TO CLEAN TOILETS
MONKEYS SWARM OCALA MAN’S PROPERTY
ORGANIZATION ARGUES MONKEYS SHOULD HOLD COPYRIGHTS TO SELFIES
ZOLA THE GORILLA IS HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE DANCING IN A KIDDIE POOL
FAMILY PLACES AD FOR NEW NANNY, AS LAST FIVE HAVE FLED THEIR HAUNTED HOME
COPS DEPLOYED TO PROTECT COMMUNITY FROM HUNGRY GHOST
PENIS-SHAPED ROCK FORMATION FOUND IN NORWAY
MAN ATTEMPTS CROCODILE SEX, ENDS BADLY
MAN GETS $ 870,000 AFTER DOCTORS REMOVE WRONG TESTICLE
IMPOTENT MUST SAY NO TO SAUSAGE AND BACON
WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT
NASA WANTS TO PROBE URANUS IN SEARCH OF GAS
DECAYING TURTLE OR VULTURE VOMIT, SCIENTISTS REVEAL WORST SMELLS
WAYNE CO. CRIMINAL ON THE LOOSE Tony B. Smouse from Williamson resembles a rodent with his twitching whiskers and pointed head and pointed chin and pointed ears. A 34-year-old who has a cheesy past, Smouse was recently released from a NYS correctional facility in April and decided it was high time to take his drug enterprise on the road. By June he was temporarily back in custody again. This time it was in Illinois when he was spotted selling Ecstasy at a Summer Camp music festival. The wily Smouse brought excitement to a peak when he escaped confinement by tampering with the emergency exit on the county transport bus. Like an ecstatic rat he scampered through the crowd and eluded officers. He did leave his wallet, cell phone, and credit card behind but has proven resourceful as he remains a fugitive. Maybe he is stealing money and necessities to survive. There is a day of reckoning due for Smouse, he is wanted on multiple charges in Illinois as well as for parole violations in New York. It is of course only conjecture, but he may have sought shelter with like-minded vermin in the capacious upstate NY agricultural region. So the word is out – if anyone notices a suspicious acting character in Wayne Co., they should contact law enforcement immediately.
STREETER IS BACK ON THE STREETS Latasha Streeter is a former Lyons resident with bloody lines connecting her to the notorious Weems gang, but this somewhat neurotic vagabond currently calls Newark her home. The pugnacious 28-year-old does the Weems link proud with her aggressive and perhaps even slightly irrational behavior. In a recent episode she boarded a school bus and began abusing and vilifying teen passengers. Some observers thought she may have taken leave of her senses. The sensible bus driver tried to defuse the situation when he told her to get the hell off the bus, however that directive seemed to inflame her even more. A chill descended on the bus when the volume and vehemence of her barrage of insults intensified. One meek 13-year-old was a special target of her wrath and Natasha called the lass ” a fat whale, a fat blimp, and a whore.” She crossed the line when she threatened to maim the youngster and that was cause for her arrest on charges of Disorderly Conduct and Endangering the Welfare of a Child. Since school is no longer in session she will not have access to school buses so she was promptly released and now Streeter is back on the streets.
NO BAIL FOR WALMART BANDIT Matt Knowlton hails from Water St. in Lyons. It is a section of the lively local community that abuts the historic Erie Canal (which is why the clever founders named it Water St.) and is distinguished as a haven for a whole cast of unregenerate types and deviants. Matt is only 29 and hardly qualifies as among the more sordid of the natives who largely specialize in sexual depravity and predation. He is benign by comparison; nevertheless he does have his own history as a pathological thief. After repeated arrests for larceny in the Wayne Co. Walmarts and finally getting permanently banished from those locations, he cast a wider net and was caught twice on the same day stealing merchandise from the bustling upscale Canandaigua Walmart store. He explained to State Police that he was always given extra chances in Wayne Co. but the officers were not terribly sympathetic and he is incarcerated in Ontario Co. Jail with no bail, and is reportedly now banned from the Walmarts in another county.
ANOTHER THIEF CAUGHT IN WAYNE CO. There seems to be something about the summer heat that brings out the sticky-fingered impulses of the county’s inhabitants. Staff working at the FasTrac in the lovely Town of Rose on Lake Ontario sensed something was fishy about Jenny Gill when sweaty Jenny prowled the aisles then exited the store without making a purchase. After consulting with expert analysts who examined the store’s videotape surveillance, it was determined that the 21-year-old had pilfered over $ 30 of candy. You might say that Gill was in hot water. State Police hooked her after closing the pursuit net and she has been charged with Petit Larceny. Jenny admitted to the judge that she used poor judgment and never would have stolen the treats if she knew there was video surveillance and pledged never to steal from that store again. That explanation seemed adequate to the judge who released Gill with appearance tickets for a later court date.
OUT, OUT, DAMN BEER ! Wolcott is the scene of our final report of the week and it features one of the more unusual domestic quarrels in recent months. On this occasion, the original victim was not a person but cans of Keystone beer. When wretched Roberta Scott realized her beloved boyfriend brought home the Keystone, she fidgeted and sniffed then got all keyed up and came unhinged. The salivating Scott attacked the innocent alcohol containers. The weapon of choice for this 48-year-old with brown hair and sharply pointed witch-like facial features was a trusty kitchen steak knife with a sharp point of its own.
It was said you could almost hear the booze squeal in anguish as it groaned and gurgled before it ejaculated a foamy stream. It turned into a sticky situation. Can after can met a cruel fate as the sadistic Scott plunged and twisted with devilish delight. The boyfriend was taken aback by the onslaught and in a desperate effort to salvage some stock he came between the sole remaining can and the serial steak knife stalker. This was a clear miscalculation as the steamy Scott made it clear she would substitute skin for suds and slashed away with abandon shredding his biceps. It was said he grimaced in pain as his hand massaged the mangled flesh and blood oozed between his fingers. It was that old sticky situation thing again. Finally, when the beer and human casualty list was counted, Scott’s rage was spent, State Police were called, and she was arrested for Assault. The Keystone debris was collected as evidence and the boyfriend was treated for his wounds at a hospital. And don’t think Scott is getting off scot-free, damaging beer cans is a serious offense in Wayne Co. so she is in jail on $ 5,000 bail and yearns for the days when Budweiser was hailed as the ” King of Beers.”