HEADLINES AND CROOKS

HEADLINES

SHANGHAI ADULT TOY FAIR MAY HIT THE SPOT

BUTCHER PUTS NUDE WOMAN IN HIS DISPLAY CASE FOR ” SOCIAL EXPERIMENT”

PROPOSED SHOOTING RANGE WITH BAR FACES OPPOSITION FROM LOCAL RESIDENTS

COCAINE FALLS OUT OF WOMAN’S HAT IN COURTROOM

SEXUAL FAVORS NOT ACCEPTED TO PAY TAXES IN MONTANA TOWN

LOUD SEX INTERRUPTS TENNIS MATCH

CONDOM CLOGGED PIPE PROVIDES POLICE CLUE IN CRACKING BROTHEL

NEARLY NAKED CALIFORNIA WOMAN CLAIMS SHE’S A MERMAID

MAN CLAIMS THE LORD TOLD HIM TO SHOW HIS GENITALS IN CHURCH

ALIENS ARE SILENT BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL DEAD

DRIVER WEARING ” HOLD MY BEER” SHIRT ARRESTED FOR DWI

POLICE CALLED BECAUSE CAT IN A TREE APPEARS TO BE HOLDING AN ASSAULT RIFLE

POLICE CLAIM RATS DRANK OVER 900 LITERS OF ALCOHOL

FISHERMAN BITTEN AFTER TRYING TO LASSO A SHARK

MAN MARRIED TO MOTHER AND DAUGHTER FACES NEW CHARGES

CROOKS OF THE WEEK

LAWYER NEEDS A LAWYER   It was just after 10 p.m. on a mild May night when Macedon police observed a driver creeping along a tranquil stretch of Rte. 31. The vehicle was clocked at a mere 29 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. This was certainly suspicious – no one drives that slow in that neck of the woods; unless of course, they are impaired by some intoxicating agent. That was exactly the case. The car was stopped and when a sobriety test was administered, Shaun Morrison was declared to be drunk. Very drunk, the attorney and part-time reporter recorded a hefty .32 %. That is 4x over the legal limit and qualifies him for Aggravated Driving While Intoxicated. Shaun was issued appearance tickets for a later court date and told to ” Take it easy going home.” Whether he heeded that advice we do not know, but this we do know – this lawyer needs a lawyer.

HE AIN’T HEAVY, HE’S MY BROTHER, CRAZY CARMEN   Carmen Dimarco is a 54-year-old from the easternmost part of Wayne Co., in the nearly flooded Town of Huron. Carmen is a disheveled mess who has fallen on hard times and lives in his car. Despite Dimarco’s gloom and hardships, his insensitive brother won’t assist him. That may account for his rising tide of anger on an otherwise calm Friday night in this tight-knit lakeside community that is relatively crime-free compared to the rest of the decadent county.  After careful contemplation, Carmen did what anyone would do under the circumstances – he decided to get his brother’s attention. Carmen collected a bag of rocks and cut loose, flinging them at his sibling’s house.

We can state with certainty that Carmen will never pitch for the Mets. Why? Because unlike the Mets hurlers, he was accurate with his throws. Projectile after projectile found their mark, which happened to the windows in said house. Glass shattered, the brother was startled, then somewhat miffed, he called the police. The clearly distraught man even conjectured that Carmen may have gone crazy.  The State Police quickly arrived at the scene and concurred – Carmen wasn’t heavy but he was crazy. He was charged with Aggravated Harassment and Criminal Mischief, then remanded to jail on $ 1,000 bail. It isn’t likely the estranged brother will pay it either because he is too busy sweeping up glass and will have to replace his windows.

IT’S A FAMILY AFFAIR   Our narrative now moves from the eastern part of Wayne County to the western sector, Main St. in  downtown Marion. It is a village that prospered during WW II as it housed Italian POWs in a barracks on Rte. 21. These temporary residents were recruited to perform farm work in the area, voluntarily or otherwise. The camp is still intact and was most recently occupied by Puerto Ricans or Mexicans, who were not POWs, and certainly not cheap labor. The cuisine has moved from pasta to picante. Whatever one’s dining preference, the hot fact remains that nothing has halted the economic slump that commenced in the post-war when the reformed Italians returned to their countrymen and families in their endearing native land.

Sigh, now Marion is beset by strife. Families have fractured and there are no Corleones to maintain the social glue. Among the families in question are the quarrelsome Coveys. Dick Covey is a pale-faced 56-year-old who lives in an apartment above his sister but the two are not close. In fact they are outright antagonistic to each other. Dick comes at inconvenient times and his sister tries to shoo him away. He often becomes belligerent and police are contacted, he appears in court, receives a Stay Away Order of Protection, then is on his way. After several times through this cycle, the patience of all parties was exhausted and after a recent episode, Dick collected another Criminal Contempt of an Order of Protection and Harassment charge and was transported to the vibrant Wayne Co. Jail with bail set at $ 10,000. And as far as his sister is concerned, they can keep him there.

THIS HUSSEY HAS A MEAN BITE   Jackie Hussey is a 52-year-old from tumultuous Palmyra, a once captivating community where the imaginative Joseph Smith founded the Church of Latter Day Saints. There has seen a significant moral slide since the Mormons left a century ago. It still has a fudge shop downtown where they sell the old-fashioned Clark’s Teaberry gum, but other than that there is little to commend the village. The same may be said about Jackie. She is a real ruffian with cannibalistic tendencies. This volatile vixen delivered a few stiff swats to her cowering husband before she moved in for the main dish and started chomping on him. Neighbors claimed they heard him shriek when the mangled flesh was ripped from the bone. Although it was 3:41 a.m. it clearly was not the usual Wayne Co. amorous frolic – the man was in danger. Hussey was still munching away when the Sheriff arrived and took her into custody. She was charged with Assault but immediately released because she promised that in the future she would be a good Hussey.

 

HEADLINES

HEADLINES

COP GOT TOO WASTED TO ACCEPT MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING AWARD

THIS VENDING MACHINE DISPENSES CATS

TOILET ONLY FOR DISABLED PREGNANT ELDERLY CHILDREN

PROSTITUTES SHOULD BE REGISTERED AND MADE CIVIL SERVANTS

BURGLAR BREAKS INTO HOME, COOKS FRIED CHICKEN

YALE HUNGER STRIKE INVOLVES EATING WHEN HUNGRY

LIBRARY FINES TOO STRESSFUL FOR HARVARD STUDENTS

SHOPLIFTER ARRESTED AFTER HE LEAVES HIS WARRANT BEHIND

WOMAN WHO GAVE UP BEER FOR LENT WINS A CASE OF BEER DELIVERED BY CLYDESDALES

MAN FOUND HIDING UNDER HIS BED AFTER HUGE POLICE SEARCH

DAD STEALING BAG FULL OF PANTIES IN DEPARTMENT STORE CAUGHT BY HIS OWN DAUGHTER

BIGFOOT BLAMED FOR CAR CRASH

HUNTER CLAIMS HE WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY SASQUATCH

BEAR LOCKS ITSELF IN WOMAN’S CAR AND HONKS HORN

TARZAN’S LOINCLOTH HID A BIG SWINGER

CANADIAN WOMEN REFUSE TO HAVE KIDS BECAUSE OF TRUMP

MAN TRIES TO ROB RESTAURANT WITH A BANANA

MAN ARRESTED FOR HAVING SEX WITH A FENCE

BIOLOGIST ASKS ALASKA RESIDENTS TO COUNT MOOSE

DRUNK SWEDISH MOOSE FOUND IN TREE

WOMAN HOPES TO MARRY IN DRESS MADE OUT OF TACO BELL WRAPPERS

MAN IMPERSONATING COP PULLS OVER REAL COP

FLORIDA POLICE WALK A GATOR THROUGH A FURNITURE STORE

DAM ROAD SIGN KEEPS DISAPPEARING

 

HEADLINES, AND SOME RADIOACTIVE READING

HEADLINES

JAPAN IS SUFFERING FROM A NINJA SHORTAGE

COLOMBIAN WOMAN EATS $ 7,000 WORTH OF CASH IN A DOMESTIC DISPUTE

FORMER CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE SENT DEATH THREATS TO HERSELF

PEOPLE WHO LIKE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES HAVE MORE SEX

NO MORE SEX AT ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH: STOCK SOARS

OLYMPIC ATHLETE USES JAVELIN TO REMOVE DAUGHTER’S LOOSE TOOTH

LOOKING FOR WORK: I ENJOY COOKING CHINESE AND ITALIANS

NEW ON THE MENU: FRENCH FRIES MADE OF DEEP FRIED FRENCH PEOPLE

TRY OUR NEW HOT DOGS: $ 199 AND UP

VEGAN WOMAN INTENTIONALLY RAMS A CHICKEN TRUCK

WORKERS BUSTED FOR STEALING BOURBON THAT WOULD LAST A LIFETIME

FAILURE DUE TO LAXATIVE ENFORCEMENT POLICIES OF THE REGULATOR

FEDERAL FOOD AND DRUG ACT: ” THE AIM IS TO PROMOTE PURITY AND PREVENT ADULTERY”

IT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO WAX YOUR NOSE HAIRS

MAN TEXTS PROSECUTOR ABOUT DRUG DEAL BY MISTAKE

MAN DRESSED AS THE JOKER ARRESTED FOR CARRYING A SWORD

MAN FINED FOR NOT HAVING HIS PET SNAKE ON A LEASH

YOUR DOG MAY BE MANIPULATING YOU

WARNING: ROUGH ROAD, PLEASE FASTEN SEATBELTS AND REMOVE DENTURES

BANK ROBBER SAYS HE’S INNOCENT BECAUSE HE SAID ” PLEASE”

LIGHT READING

During the early 20th century radium based products really lit up the earnings column of many companies. Radium was even called liquid sunshine. It was so popular there was a featured song in a Broadway play named the Radium Dance. But outside of its entertainment value, its commercial applications were what made radium such an attraction. For competition-minded males there was no better gift than a radium lined jockstrap; it was really a thoughtful hot nuts purchase. And who could resist the erotic lure of radium lingerie. It no doubt led to blazing passion.

At the breakfast table, no meal was complete without some radium milk to pour on the cereal and radium butter smeared on the toast. To freshen up afterwards, you could select radium face cream and soap; cleaned the dirt out of the pores and really made one glimmer.

Need to eradicate the pests in the house? No problem. Just head on down to the store and buy the ” Radium Eclipse Sprayer.” It cut the life expectancy of flies, mosquitoes, and roaches in half. Even the occasional profit seeking pharmacy could cure your ills with radium dressing and pills.

Perhaps the best feature of all was that radium was advertised as ” Harmless to humans and easy to use.”

That claim was not quite accurate and for those who seek further illumination on the luster and tragedy of radium, I recommend: The Radium Girls: The Dark Story of America’s Shining Women by Kate Moore. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEADLINES AND DIRTY DEEDS IN WAYNE COUNTY

HEADLINES

THE MUSEUM OF FAILURES SHOWCASES REALLY BAD IDEAS

83-YEAR-OLD MAN SIGNS HIMSELF OUT OF HOSPITAL AND STEALS AMBULANCE

HAM THIEF LEAVES TRAIL OF FAT BEHIND HIM

ON THE MENU THIS WEEK – GARLIC BREAD WHICH INCLUDES BREAD TOASTED WITH GARLIC

TRY OUR SAUSAGES, NONE LIKE THEM

DAD, DAUGHTER ARRESTED FOR SELLING POT BROWNIES AT SCHOOL

BURGER KING OFFERS ADULT HAPPY MEAL WITH ADULT TOY INSIDE

WOMAN STRIPPED THEN POURED KETCHUP ON HERSELF AT RESTAURANT

MAN ADDICTED TO EATING TREES

MAN’S CONVICTION FOR BELCHING OVERTURNED

FASHIONABLE CLOTHES ARE TO BE MADE OUT OF POOP

THREE ARRESTED AFTER BREAKING INTO JAIL

STUDENT ASKS GIRLFRIEND TO THE PROM WHILE JUMPING OUT OF A PLANE

TEEN COULD FACE CHARGES FOR ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY CARROT

FUTURE OF SEX: NO TOUCHING INVOLVED

OHIO POLICE HUNT FOR BALD MAN IN SERIES OF ROGAINE THEFTS

CRIME REPORTS

COLON STUFFED WITH CHARGES   Matt A. Colon is a 32-year-old with a long tubed neck, a soiled scraggly beard and a brownish complexion. He is a habitual criminal who lives in Lyons, in fact, his sanctuary is on the very street where the Mule used to dwell. State Police have about had their fill of Colon as he persists in pestering a frightened female even after he was issued the standard Order of Protection. The irksome Colon discharged a stream of insults when officers arrived and then he busted loose with fury when taken to the patrol car. He kicked the front windshield and spotlight handle which led to additional charges of Criminal Mischief and Resisting Arrest and they fit nicely with his Criminal Contempt for an Order of Protection and Aggravated Family Offense. Colon will have to sit tight in the county jail now because the judge deduced that the Orders of Protection were not a deterrent and set bail at $ 5,000.

WHAT’S IN HIS WALLET?   Matt Butchino is a thief from Lyons. Our second Matt of the week also has a long neck and a ratty beard although this 31-year-old is more passive than the previous Matt. When a man dropped his wallet while exiting his vehicle, the bold Butchino was there to scoop it up and then bolted down an alley.  State Police were informed and promptly located the cagey Butchino. He claimed he knew nothing about any wallet picked up near an automobile. Video evidence confirmed Matt was the suspect in question so he hastily revised his story and confessed to using poor judgment; however he insisted the wallet contained nothing of value so it was discarded, therefore no crime was committed. His version differs from the owner’s who insists that money was removed from it. Butchino was released with an appearance ticket after being charged with Petit Larceny, but the question remains – What’s in his wallet?

MAN NAMED MATT ARRESTED IN LYONS   When you make your travel plans to visit Lyons this summer, if you come across someone named Matt, there is a high probability he has been listed in a crime report. To reinforce that contention we turn to this week’s third entry where we have an old standby – Matthew Price. The frequently intoxicated Price has graduated from hounding Girl Scouts to waging war with very busy law enforcement officers. Price was plastered when he decided to recline in front of a busy bus stop. His attempt at an impromptu snooze irritated some would-be passengers who tried to persuade him to move. Matt snorted through his snotty nostrils and slobbered through a string of salty syllables in response to their request. The honest wholesome Lyons citizens recoiled when subjected to a torrent of profanity that shocked their tender sensibilities. They had never heard such coarse and lewd suggestions in this outpost of virtue in Wayne Co. When deputies arrived, Price raised the stakes and dipped into his reserve supply of obscenities as he staggered and feebly resisted his incarceration. Now Price must pay the cost as he was charged with Disorderly Conduct and Resisting Arrest and bail has been set at $ 1,000.

LYONS FRIENDSHIP ENDED   ” I need money and I need it now!” – That’s what 23-year-old Brianna Williams declared to her best friend. When the friend, who will remain anonymous, refused, Brianna became aggressive – she practiced a new stranglehold, but her unsightly hairy slippery sweaty pockmarked arms couldn’t maintain the pressure. Then Brianna resorted to a more reliable method – she produced a serrated 6 inch knife. That caught the attention of the potential victim. Bri upped the stakes and threatened to carve out the eyes of her cowering friend and then slash her throat and kill her. She repeated her demand: ” You will sell your television and give me the money so I can buy more crack cocaine.” Bri is an addict. She needs drugs. Whether she would have followed through on her threat we can only speculate.

Fortunately we will never know because the incident transpired at 5 a.m. and it disturbed the tranquil hardworking residents of Lyons and a deputy was recruited to intercede. There would be no 5 a.m. television sale transaction. The sputtering Brianna was taken into custody and arraigned in Lyons Town Court before a cranky judge who informed her of the following charges: Criminal Obstruction of Breathing, Menacing, Criminal Possession of a Weapon, and Criminal Possession of a Controlled Substance.  She has been remanded to jail on bail, issued an Order of Protection, and according to reliable sources, a Lyons friendship has ended.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF JAIL BREAK   Strange things are happening in the Wayne County Jail. There are violent people incarcerated there. Often when they are upset, they will resort to converting any available item into a weapon. But this has to be a first – an assault by laundry cart. No one can determine what provoked Andreak King, maybe he just doesn’t like being confined with other louts and ruffians. Whatever the reason, we do know that the bearded inmate from Sodus turned reckless and launched the cart at fellow inmates. It was a dirty stunt that shattered the cart and sent innocent convicts scrambling for cover. You could almost smell their anxiety: If a person will throw a laundry cart, what else are they capable of ? King chuckled over the commotion he caused as he was being led away to be notified he was being charged with Criminal Mischief. This is another stain on his already soiled reputation in what certainly qualifies as a different kind of jail break.

IS NO PLACE SACRED IN WAYNE COUNTY?   Pete from Palmyra is no stranger to Orders of Protection, the frowning, almost clean-shaven 55-year-old has collected four of them so far this year. He just won’t leave his estranged wife and children alone. He earned another when the mischievous moon-faced pest with the big ears tried to get a charge out of his dismissive spouse when he disconnected the battery on her van. He was trying to teach her a lesson: Ignore Pete at your own peril. Things seemed to simmer down somewhat until Easter morning when his rage was resurrected and he created an uproar in a peaceful Palmyra church. It was shocking enough that this reprobate sinner even set foot in the building, but then he sat down right next to his family – clearly another violation of an Order of Protection. No one needed to pray up a storm, because Hallelujah — he was arrested and charged Criminal Tampering and Criminal Contempt of an Order of Protection. He was released with appearance tickets and another Order of Protection. That leaves us with some lingering questions. Will Pete finally repent? And more importantly, is no place sacred in Wayne County?

 

 

HEADLINES AND WAYNE COUNTY ACTION

HEADLINES

FLORIDA MAN DIES IN METH LAB EXPLOSION AFTER LIGHTING FARTS ON FIRE

OREGON MAN ASKS CITY TO BAN THE SMELL OF FARTS

WANTED TO BUY: HUMAN SKIN, WILL PAY $ 400

WANTED: A ROOM BY TWO GENTLEMEN 30 FEET LONG AND 20 FEET WIDE

WE WASH AND VACUUM SENIOR CITIZENS

SHOPLIFTER CALLS 911 AFTER HIDING IN DRESSING ROOM, GETS LOCKED INSIDE STORE

MAN BUSTED FOR FERRIS WHEEL SEX WAS IN VEGAS TO MARRY

WOMAN SUFFERS SEVERE HAND INJURY AFTER BREAKING INTO ZOO, TRYING TO PET TIGER

MAN GRANTED DIVORCE AFTER CLAIMING WIFE IS POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL

BACON-SCENTED PANTIES MEANS ALL YOUR PANTY PROBLEMS ARE CURED

1000 POUND CHICKEN DISAPPEARS

GIANT CHICKEN FREAKING PEOPLE OUT ON TWITTER

GOAT YOGA IS NOW A THING

SEEKING EMPLOYMENT: I AM AN EXPERIENCED STALKER

RACCOON INVOLVED IN EROTIC VIDEO DISPUTE

WAYNE COUNTY ACTION

CALL HAD TO CALL HIS LAWYER   It was one of those typical chilly April nights when Lake Ontario expels its lasts gasps of a frigid winter and a thin fog blankets bewitching Wayne County. A dazed Jordan Call was zooming along rte. 414 in the fragrant Town of Rose, but Call didn’t feel the chill; in fact, he wasn’t feeling much of anything at all – he was intoxicated. A soon-to-be administered BAC would show his alcohol level at .21. That would of course earn him an Aggravated DWI, but his arrest chart needed padding. During his 2:30 a.m. cruise, the 23-year-old Jordan (who is a resident of equally fragrant Sodus) introduced himself and his spiffy sparkling truck to a telephone pole. The obstinate pole splintered but refused to yield. Call didn’t ring anyone to report the accident, he just drove away — a bad choice. There is a law against smashing into telephone poles and not notifying anyone, and State Police explained this to the tipsy Jordan when they issued him additional tickets for Leaving the Scene of a Property Damage Accident, and Failure to Keep Right. After his arraignment, he was released right away because Call had to call his lawyer.

HE COOKED UP QUITE A STORY   Jaeson Bridgeman is a hefty, round-faced, pinkish-pigmented 37-year-old from once affluent Newark. The stocky Bridgeman has quite an appetite and when he spotted a juicy tantalizing 15-pound rib roast on sale at the local Wegman’s for $155, he just had to have it, right then. Jaeson cradled the beloved roast as he sprinted to his truck, but in his haste he neglected to stop at a cashier line and pay for it. This brought him to the attention of store personnel and eventually the very active Newark police. When questioned by officers, Bridgeman scratched his bare shrub of a beard and explained: ” I wasn’t stealing it. I would never do anything like that. I was just carrying it to my trusty rib roast holding truck to keep it safe from other consumers while I retrieved my food stamps, and then I intended to return to the store and pay for it.” Police had rarely heard such potty rib roast smokescreens – they didn’t believe him. Yes, he cooked up quite a story but the cops didn’t swallow it and charged him with Petit Larceny and he drove away really steaming because he didn’t get to keep the roast.

BURNS TOLD TO COOL IT   Aaron O. Burns is another burly Newark native who has a speckled beard and lack of self-control. The 30-year-old Burns is noted for his hot temper and inability to resolve domestic disputes in a civil manner. His most recent outburst led to charges of Assault, Endangering the Welfare of a Child, and Unlawful Imprisonment when he attacked his wife and refused to allow her to leave her home. This transpired in front a 2-month old child. Aaron was still fuming when he was taken into custody and appeared before a judge. After a scalding tongue lashing he was released with an Order of Protection and Burns was told to cool it.

NO RIDE NOW, FOR SURE   Macedon is another Wayne County outpost that has fallen into disgrace in the last few decades and as the jobs left, a growing tide of crime ensued. Homeless Steve Flood is among those in that unemployed wave, and this nearly smooth-shaven 24-year-old was rippling with anger when his girlfriend refused to transport him to a purported job interview. Flood’s philosophy was that if he couldn’t leave the house, no one was going to leave, so he held her down then in a spasm of fury he smashed in the windshield of her car. This may surprise you, but this wasn’t Flood’s first fracas – he already had an Order of Protection for a prior incident and if he somehow manages to raise the $ 1,000 bail for Criminal Mischief and Criminal Contempt of an Order of Protection, he will likely receive another OOP. Regardless of how that plays out, as the car has a broken windshield, there will be no ride now, for sure.

 

MOVIE TIME: CANNIBALISM/PSYCHO, AND CASABLANCA

Cannibalism: ” The killing and consumption of all or part of an individual of the same species.”

” It’s called Casablanca and I don’t really know what it is all about.” – Ingrid Bergman

Just the mere thought of “cannibalism” is enough to stop some people dead in their tracks. Reliable studies show many folks get queasy when they try to digest stories about the topic, and a good chunk of them think serial killer cannibals are deviants. Cannibalism has even been classified as a ” mental disorder.”  When someone is called a “cannibal” it is not usually intended as a compliment, but rather a slur on the person’s character that slices them down to size. Despite all the apparent revulsion, people can never get their fill of cannibal pieces. Regardless of your preferences and tastes, such as exocannibalism, where you eat one’s enemies (a Red Sox fan gobbling down a salty Yankee fan); or endocannibalism, inside the tribe (having Aunt Millie for lunch with a little honey sprinkled on her), the forthcoming faintly gruesome account may be a little hard to stomach. Indeed it could leave you open mouthed in astonishment, but as always it serves to keep an open mind because cannibalism can nourish the creative impulses. With that off the table, so to speak, let us begin with the appetizer for a famous movie.

One of the most acclaimed motion pictures ever released was Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho”. A lugubrious foray into homicide and depravity featuring Anthony Perkins as the deranged Norman Bates, the 1960 cinematic masterpiece is regarded a classic in the horror genre. The memorable shower bloodbath where Janet Leigh is butchered left a deep impression on voyeurs and thrill seekers of various stripes and cravings. It is one of the iconic episodes in the movie annals so let us sneak behind the curtain by taking a peek at the genesis of the plot. To peel back the skin on the background, to get to the meat of the story if you will, requires a visit to a hearty old-fashioned tale of cannibalism.

Hitchcock modified a pulp fiction novel about a mentally baked murderer and brought it to life on the screen. The novel by Robert Bloch, coincidentally named ” Psycho”,  as indicated was fiction, but it was rooted in bone-crunching reality, a chilling blow-by-blow chronicle of savage indulgence that some found morally repugnant, outright unpalatable. The fiend in question was a cannibal and necrophiliac named Edward Gein, whose last name conveniently rhymed with spleen. Gein bore an eerie similarity to Psycho’s barbaric Bates. Ed’s mother was an oppressive domineering type who caused him ceaseless psychological discomfort. He was an isolated figure and some found his demeanor unsettling, others even called him ” Weird Old Eddie”, an insult that intensified his anti-social tendencies. The wretched old witch who tormented him finally died, but in an act of piety, Ed preserved her room. That may seem ghoulish, but it was a tasteful shrine used as a refuge when he became sullen and had distressing urges to indulge his minor breaches of social mores. Egads, the setting seemed to only feed his flesh feasting fetish. You might conjecture that it brought out the worst in him while the house and premises deteriorated. Some men back in that era just didn’t have the knack for housekeeping. However one of the problems at the Gein house was that when women did show up – Ed ate them. It adds a whole different flavor to the expression ” Stop over for dinner sometime.”

One of the women in question was the unsuspecting Bernice Worden. It is doubtful she would have visited Ed if she knew what awaited her.  She might have even been willing to give an arm and a leg to avert her somewhat grim fate. The place was mundane Plainfield, Wisconsin, and the year was 1957 when Bernice disappeared; people wondered where she was and started looking for her. The trail eventually led to Ed Gein’s farmhouse where the investigation took a macabre twist. Police found her but she wasn’t in very good shape: her heart was in the frying pan and the bulk of Bernice was rather indignantly stuffed in the icebox – she was dead. The officers also uncovered other oddities such as soup bowls meticulously molded out of human skulls and a belt crafted from human nipples. The menu of malevolence really surprised folks, they hadn’t seen anything like that in Plainfield before. The officers knew right then they had to take Gein into custody because he was a potential threat to the stability of the community.

Ed had clearly been industrious but gave cannibalism a bad stigma. One assumes many of the more responsible cannibals tried to distance themselves from him, lest they have their reputations besmirched. Law enforcement was hungry for information and to Ed’s credit, he was candid in his admission that he was culpable and did not try to conceal his misdeeds. He submitted an eye-popping confession that he had a peculiar compulsion and on occasion maybe went a little overboard in acting on it. There is little doubt that his dining habits were to the detriment of his victims, but were useful as a skeleton of the scheme for Hitchcock and the grisly Psycho which proved to be a spectacular critical and financial success.

There was also an unintended side-effect for audiences who saw the Hitchcock show. Some were able to save on soap and water because they developed ablutophobia, a grimy condition where the person suffers from a fear of bathing or showering. It even afflicted the aforementioned Janet Leigh after Psycho. The dreaded anxiety is reportedly quite common in the so-called Red States of political parlance and seems to be particularly frequent in Kentucky, no slight intended to trailer dwellers from Arkansas to Alabama. But leaving those utopian Bible-based Christian enclaves aside and returning to the main theme, even among less developed species such as Republicans, cannibalism is not that common. And in fact, among primates only 11 species have been found to practice it, and overall just 75 species, although researchers are enthusiastically looking for more.

You can be confident that studies into cannibalism are not going to die a slow death. There are still plenty of inquiry bites on the plate and perhaps no topic generates more heat and controversy than the issue of dinosaur cannibalism. For a long time it seemed like a no-brainer, paleontologists were convinced pre-historic Jurassic Park ancestors devoured each other. But hold the sauce, the trend is now moving in the opposite direction. Unfortunately the dinosaurs at the Kentucky Creationist Museum decline to be interviewed, but recent indirect evidence from fossils indicates they may have been scavengers but not outright same-species consumers. Bite marks also indicate fighting which is really no different than any modern marriage where angry partners gnaw on each other to settle disputes. Nibbling on a mate hardly passes the taste test to elevate dinosaurs or one’s spouse to elite cannibal status.

The jury is still out on that bone of contention but in the meantime you can remain on the alert for plausible threats. For instance if you are in a relationship and the object of your desire allows you to examine them closely, it is cause for alarm if you observe enlarged jaw muscles (probably from practice), it is probably a dead giveaway they have more sinister designs. In technical terms, those closing jaw muscles are known as ” leviator mandibulae” , however you can gracefully exit from the situation by complimenting them in the vernacular, ” You have really nice choppers, but I don’t think I’m a real good fit.”

That will be the last sample of cannibalism for the day as we move from that raw archive of barbarity to another delectable treat – Casablanca. Released in late November of 1942 and based on a 1941 historical setting, it was well-received at the time and is now canonized in the pantheon of great films. Like Hitchcock’s triumph from above, it was derived from another source; however unlike Psycho, it didn’t feature any cannibals, just comparatively more civilized types like Nazis, Vichy French collaborators of dubious ethical stock, smugglers, corrupt police, con men, and the morally ambiguous lead character Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart).

The writers and producers at Warner Brothers in Hollywood adapted the movie version from a three-story play written by midtown Manhattan residents Murray Burnett and Joan Alison. Their original title was ” Everybody Comes to Rick’s” . Inspiration for their project came from a trip to Europe in 1938 when as loving husband and wife they visited Austria during the Nazi occupation (anschluss). They witnessed the disturbing malignity of anti-Semitism and were privy to stories of refugees following a convoluted escape route to Marseilles, which then branched over to Morocco, back to neutral Lisbon, and eventually to the U.S. A trip to Nice, France supplied more gravitas for their unfolding plot. (Keep in mind this was still in the late 1930s so America was not yet at war and U.S. citizens could still move about unhampered.) In Nice they stopped at a nightclub which was swarming with refugees, military personnel, and a black piano player from Chicago. This setting would be replicated in their play, and by extension, the movie, which upgraded parts of the narrative to accommodate the fast-moving events in Europe. With the bulk of the outline established, Burnett and Alison were originally going to make Lisbon the host city, but instead decided on more exotic Casablanca, a place neither of the co-authors had visited. Shortly after their return to the U.S., they had all the strands of the story in place and the draft was finished in the summer of 1940. Meanwhile, by June of that year the Germans had obliterated the somewhat inept French military and occupied the country. A few scraps were left to the French as they were allowed to administrate their collaborationist Vichy government in the southern region of the fractured nation with tentacles of jurisdiction stretching into North Africa.

Warner Brothers received the script on December 8, 1941 and was so confident of box office success they paid a hefty sum to Burnett and Alison for the rights. The initial outlay of $20,000 was the highest amount ever for an unproduced play, twice what Dashiell Hammett received for The Maltese Falcon. They also opted for a shorter catchier one-word title, hence Casablanca; it would prove to be a prudent choice and would ring immortal. Fraught with tension, romance, veiled sexual allusions, and of course verisimilitude because of the historical trappings, it shuffled from writer to writer at the studio for fine-tuning and revisions. Extreme care was taken with phrasing, because of the sexual entendre it had to squeeze by the snoopy censors who upheld the puritanical codes that guided content in that era. Surprisingly for a Hollywood effort, the essence of the play remained intact and the key was finding a cast that supplied the beguiling chemistry.

Ronald Reagan was briefly considered as the first choice for the lead role of Rick, but perhaps they feared he would fail to impress Nazis with a ” Gipper” speech or commentary on the virtues of supply-side economics, so it fell to Bogart. A product of gangster films, there was concern that he lacked sex appeal. But to paraphrase author Noah Isenberg in ” We’ll Always Have Casablanca”,  “Once Ingrid Bergman looked on him with an amorous glaze, that was rectified and he had sex appeal thereafter.” Contrary to the scandal mongers, their relationship was strictly professional and they had bare interaction off-screen. One can say this for those Hollywood types, they stick to the task at hand and eschew excess and hedonism. Not that Bogart was entirely immune to leaving a little dew on the lily, he just reserved it for other quarters. A sailboating enthusiast who developed a love for that pastime on Canandaigua Lake in upstate NY,  he proved a perfect match for the script with his compelling screen bearing and flawless control of dialogue.

Ingrid Bergman would scorch the screen as the female lead in the defining role of her career. The seductive Swede made her presence felt in some prior films and was on the ascent to stardom when she was contacted to play Ilsa Lund. The 27-year-old Bergman was living in Rochester, NY when notified of her selection. One assumes she was happy to leave Rochester and its perpetually foul weather and find a comfort level in more alluring California. Besides, no rational person considered Rochester a mecca of the film industry in those days although it would grow as an attraction for those of homicidal leanings. Hitchcock would have been delighted with the availability of source material had Rochester ever been on his itinerary.

In a movie that had a treasure lode of poignant moments, two of the most memorable were derived from songs.  Ilsa (Bergman) beseeches “Sam” the pianist/singer to play ” As Time Goes By” but he is reluctant because he has been forbidden by Rick to do so. Nevertheless Ilsa persisted and contrary to legend, neither she nor Rick ever said, ” Play it again, Sam”, they said, ” Play it, Sam.” And of course ultimately he complies, much to the delight of film and music aficionados then and ever since. Sam himself is an intriguing character. He is played by Arthur “Dooley” Wilson, a singer and drummer from Chicago who ironically had done performances in Morocco. There was one hitch in assembling the script: Dooley didn’t know how to play the piano. That service was performed off-screen by staff musician Elliot Carpenter as Sam mimicked him for the camera. In an interesting aside, there was initially the prospect of having Lena Horne being cast as the singer, which certainly would have changed the dynamics.

While “As Time Goes By” stroked the romantic pulse, the rousing rendition of ” La Marseillaise” at the nightclub in response to the Germans singing their own national anthem was one of the highlights that had a spillover effect. Because it symbolized defiance in the face of oppression it had more immediacy to the World War Two audiences. In theaters throughout America, moviegoers would rise and sing along as an act of solidarity with the French and other Europeans who suffered under the yoke of the heavy-handed Nazi regime. Because of German domination, the movie wouldn’t be released in Europe until 1945, initially in Lisbon, then later throughout the continent. The first version shown in Germany in 1952 didn’t include Nazis or the Marseillaise, which was as ludicrous as a 1955 CBS edition of ” The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” that failed to include black people or the word slavery. One may chafe at the excesses of political correctness in our modern era, but there have always been groups of tender sensibilities who took offense at the slightest provocation. Finally in 1975, the uncut edition of Casablanca was shown in Germany and it received a positive reception.

One of the great ironies of the movie was that many of the actors and extras were refugees from Europe. A number of them were in fact Germans who detested the Nazis and came to the U.S. as Hitler led the Reich down a ruinous path; while others fled from some thirty different nations. These included Peter Lorre and Paul Henreid, the latter played Victor Lazlo, who was one of the three main characters and was targeted by the Gestapo for arrest. The theme of refugees was of paramount importance in the story line, often eclipsing the romantic maneuvering.

Part of the tapestry of seduction is the multi-layered story lines and themes which speak to the historical milieu of the time and the throb of amorous longings raging eternal. Its force and popularity has endured. Many spin-offs, both in Hollywood and television have attempted to recapture the magic of the original, they were doomed to failure. None can meet the measure of Bogart and Bergman on a rainy night on a tarmac, a scene of parting spasms of anguish that etched them and the film as cultural monuments. And they are joined by a song,  As Time Goes By has struck romantic and nostalgic chords ever since and plucked aching notes on the landscape of broken hearts. As Noah Isenberg has observed, ” A song is the real star of the film.”

For your dessert, the sources:

Cannibalism: A Perfectly Natural History – Bill Schutt

We’ll Always Have Casablanca: The Life, Legend, and Afterlife of Hollywood’s Most Beloved Movie – Noah Isenberg

 

 

HEADLINES AND SPRING CRIME REPORTS

HEADLINES

THIS ZOO WILL LET YOU SCOOP UP POLAR BEAR DROPPINGS FOR $ 145

IOWA MAN REPORTS STOLEN BAG OF DOG POOP

JACK RUSSELL FAILS AT ASSAULT COURSE BUT LOVES EVERY MINUTE OF IT

THE KING OF SWEDEN DOESN’T WANT YOU TO BATHE

GERMAN GOVERNMENT PUTS UP WEBSITE TELLING HOW TO HAVE SEX WITH GERMAN WOMEN

PANTLESS DRIVER DIES AFTER BEING EJECTED THROUGH SUNROOF WHILE MASTURBATING TO PORN ON CELLPHONE

INVENTOR GETS SHOT IN GROIN TO TEST BULLETPROOF JOCK STRAP

SIGN: CAUTION: ” WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN”

HIRE ME – ” I HAVE AN EXCELLENT TRACK RECORD THOUGH I AM NOT A HORSE.”

NEED A WOMAN TO RUN UP CURTAINS

HUSKEY ESCAPES CAGE THEN LETS OTHER DOGS OUT

FEAR SPREADS OVER SINGING LOLLIPOP

WOMAN CLAIMS SHE OWNS THE SUN

PLAYFUL COW ASKS FOR HUGS FROM HUMANS

FLORIDA MAN ACCUSED OF THROWING GATOR INTO WENDY’S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW

AXE-THROWING CLUB WANTS LIQUOR LICENSE

THOUSANDS OF BLUE PEOPLE FLOCK TO HULL CITY

DAREDEVIL TO ATTEMPT JUMPING OUT OF PLANE AT 25,000 FEET WITHOUT A PARACHUTE

FISH CAN’T TALK, SO THEY PEE INSTEAD

HEROIN GIVEAWAY A SUCCESS

SPRING CRIME REPORT

LITTLE MAMA WEEMS ARRESTED IN LYONS   Little Mama Weems is the daughter of Big Mama Weems. Little Mama lacks the girth of her more celebrated parent and has lived in the shadows of the county’s most notorious belle of destruction. There is a division of labor in the family, though labor should not be interpreted in any gainful sense. Big Mama does the heavy work such as picking people up over her head and body-slamming them on the pavement, or holding them aloft and doing twirlies before she tosses them into the canal. She has made a big splash over the years with her many adventures and when enraged she can be quite a terror. She was beside herself in fury during the one incident where her foes assaulted her using aluminum bats. She declared that unfair. She had no objection to being attacked with the standard wooden bats to even the odds, but something about the sound of aluminum smacking into her ample flesh disturbed her. Indeed on the occasion in question, two fierce blows that struck her face and knee caused her to wince, and she growled as she hobbled through the streets dragging her assailant through slush and mud puddles before she deposited him upside down in a trash can. (Note: I was in Lyons the other day and apparently all the trash cans in the streets have been removed because people were using them for toilets.)

Big Mama was hampered by a limp the last time I saw her right before I moved from Lyons. But she seems fully recovered now and a week ago she worked up quite a thirst as she was prowling the streets looking for victims, including Eric Lewis, who purportedly stole her McDonald’s coupons some time back. To assist in Big Mama’s mission of mayhem,  her daughter Little Mama dutifully raced to the lively Lyons Kwik-Fill and snatched a fountain drink, unfortunately in her haste, she evidently forgot to pay for it. Perhaps it was just a minor oversight, but either way, she was arrested for Petit Larceny and will appear in court with a glowering Big Mama acting as counsel as she pleads her case.

CRANKY FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW ARRESTED IN LYONS   Teresa Seaman is a 51-year-old who curses like a sailor and is given to waves of unseemly outbursts. One of the prickly prods that provokes her is the young lady who is planning to marry mother Teresa’s only beloved son. Teresa doesn’t think the woman is fit to marry such a fine boy who grew up in a civilized household in Lyons. To create possible second thoughts and give a hint that there may be turmoil on the horizon if they wed, mother Teresa picked up a small fire safe and tried to crush the head of the clearly intimidated potential daughter-in-law. Fortunately a State Trooper happened to be at the scene because he was notified that trouble may be forthcoming. He managed to intervene before a tragedy transpired and seized the seething Seaman. She was charged with Menacing and Criminal Possession of a Weapon, and bail was set at $ 300. There has been no indication yet as to whether the son and his fiance intend to bail her out so she can attend the wedding.   

TOPS MARKETS NOT SO FRIENDLY   Despite the advertisement jingle promoting Tops ” Friendly” Markets, their stores hardly meet the claims in the tagline of the commercial; inside or outside. Inside, one deals with the exasperation of poor customer service, grossly inflated prices, and lengthy checkout lines; and outside in Lyons last week, the store parking lot was the scene of a fracas that might suggest that their clientele is still a notch below the civilization cutoff. Apparently Alisha Abbott was agitated, and not entirely over a bad experience in the store, purportedly the 28-year-old redhead sought revenge for a trivial slight. What we know for sure is that the agile Abbott dragged a woman from a vehicle by yanking on her hair, then put the boots to her – she delivered ferocious kicks to the stomach of the victim, who groaned and writhed as the blows struck. Spectators became very excited and shouted in jubilation as they thought it may be part of a creative Lyons store promotion. It was quite a commotion but the disappointed crowd quickly dispersed when the Sheriff arrived. The officer observed a woman in mild distress complaining of stomach pain and a triumphant Abbott strutting about the lot, raising her hands in victory. One witness even claimed Abbott muttered something to the effect of – ” When anyone steals a candy bar from me, there will be consequences.”

There certainly were consequences. The ailing victim was treated for minor injuries at the scene and hastily departed; meanwhile Abbott was charged with Harassment, Disorderly Conduct, and because a 9-year-old was present, Endangering the Welfare of a Child. She was transported to the Wayne Co. Sheriff Office for processing, then released with court appearance tickets. She was also admonished not to attack people on the premises of Tops because it was bad for business, and tourists driving down Rte. 31 might get the wrong impression about Lyons and it could tarnish its reputation.

PANIC AT THE PUMP?   Whether Lyons does or will suffer an image problem is open to question but the sleepy, peaceful, bucolic Erie Canal town narrowly averted an explosive situation when deputies sped to the Kwik-Fill located on bustling Rte. 31. Staff at the store became concerned when they noticed little Ava McGinnis and her intoxicated companions trying to ignite the gas pumps with lit cigarettes. One astute bystander cautioned that if you mix cigarettes and gas there is the potential for a combustible calamity. Indeed, had the pumps erupted, it could have wiped out the whole block, including the nearby Tops. That could create hardship for residents looking for an open space to grapple.

Fortunately Lyons remains intact because the 21-year-old Ava was arrested and charged with Driving While Ability Impaired by Drugs and Alcohol, Aggravated Unlicensed Operation of a Motor Vehicle, Criminal Possession of a Controlled Substance, and Unlawful Possession of Marijuana. She was immediately released on her own recognizance because she had to retrieve her car which had a flat tire, and management at the Kwik-Fill wanted the car and Ava gone. They considered her and her shady looking companions a menace, and feared they might discourage customers from shopping there as they may not want to be party to an impromptu inferno.