OLD KKK HIMSELF

What’s in a name? Well when you have the initials KKK, quite a bit. His name was Kaspar K. Kubli (One trusts he was not related to our local incarnations of Kublis) and he lived in Oregon where he served on the Portland City Council before advancing to become Speaker of the House in the state legislature in 1916. That would not be remarkable in itself except KKK was a member of the KKK and because of his initials, he was exempt from paying membership dues.

True to his Klan roots, he was a racist and a sexist. He pushed through legislation mandating sterilization for the “feeble-minded” (Trump would qualify today), and sexual perverts (Trump qualifies again but that was directed at gay men), and he supported excluding women from juries and using injunctions to suppress strikes.

Probably when he was born his Swiss parents never dreamed that in naming their son he would fit so seamlessly with one of the nation’s prominent hate groups.

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A GOOD WHITE ANGLO-SAXON PROTESTANT WOMAN IS HARD TO FIND

I will give you the source first then get to the commentary.

The Second Coming of the KKK: The Ku Klux Klan of the 1920s and the American Political Tradition – Linda Gordon.

In the 19-teens and 1920s when the Klan experienced a significant revival, women formed their own branches – the WKKK, Women’s KKK. A large proportion of Klan groups were established north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Because many of the states lacked a sufficient number of black people to hate, Catholics and Jews became the targets of their hatred.

The WKKK needed a woman heroine to serve as their symbol. A heroine that would represent the needed virtues of chastity, yet powerful; even militant as the case was. Apparently being a warrior was not necessarily an unladylike feature. And equally imperative, the heroine would defend against foreign invaders. (Suspicious Italian Catholics, among other lesser ethnic groups were roaming about America in the 20s and polluting the country.)

Evidently no White Anglo-Saxon Protestant woman met the criteria, so digging well into the past,  Joan of Arc was recruited to serve as an adequate substitute. What the hell, a French Catholic representing a group that despised Catholics may seem a little bit of a contradiction, but she was white and at least she wasn’t Jewish.

Joan’s image did receive a little makeover in order to qualify. One of the publications showed Joan dressed in Klan robes riding a charging horse and wielding a sword. One suspects Joan would have been honored; or not.

TO START THE NEW YEAR: SOME REPEAT FUN HEADLINES FROM MY OLD FILES

BUGS FLYING AROUND WITH WINGS ARE FLYING BUGS

LOST: 3-LEGGED BLACK LAB, CALL TO IDENTIFY

FOR SALE: GREAT SPACIOUS HOME FOR A FAMILY OF ONE OR LESS

JERK-OFF CONTEST SET FOR FEBRUARY 17

THIS JUST IN: STUDIES SHOW VIRGINS HAVING LESS SEX

BIG SALE: 60 % OFF COLD WEATHER WOMEN’S ASS

SIMPLETON’S SKINS: FORESKINS FILLED WITH CHEESE

THE PLACES WHERE BABIES COME FROM JUST GOT BIGGER AND BETTER

THE PATIENT REFUSED AN AUTOPSY

METHODIST CHURCH – COME JOIN US FOR WHIPS AND CHAINS WORSHIP

EXPERTS SAY BEST WAY TO REDUCE FUEL CONSUMPTION IS NOT TO DRIVE

PROM DRESS FOR SALE: WORN LESS THAN AN HOUR

FOR SALE: GERMAN SHEPHERD, $ 85, SPEAKS GERMAN

COLD WAS LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

ENRAGED COW INJURIES FARMER WITH AXE

LOST: ONE-YEAR-OLD CAN OF SPAM, SENTIMENTAL VALUE

STATISTICS SHOW THAT 100 % OF PEOPLE BITTEN BY SNAKES WERE CLOSE TO THE SNAKES

CHARLES FORESTER IS SELLING HIS NUTS AGAIN THIS YEAR FOR THE CHURCH

RENTAL WANTED: CHRISTIAN LADY WITH TWO CHRISTIAN DOGS

FREE: THREE KITTENS WHO WILL DO THE YARD WORK

HOUSE ON FIRE, MUST SELL IMMEDIATELY

SPERM EVALUATION: HAMSTER PENETRATION TEST

CITIZENS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING: A FREE SANDWICH WITH THE PURCHASE OF 20 BEERS

WOLF TO SPEAK AT SHEEP PRODUCER’S ANNUAL BANQUET

WOMAN NEEDED SICILIAN TO DELIVER BABY

BARBER SHOP NOW OPEN: WILL CUT HAIR

CONTRACTOR PAYS STIFF FINE AFTER FAULTY ERECTION

SEX OFFENDER CITED FOR SELLING MEAT DOOR-TO-DOOR

CONDOS FOR RENT: NO SMILING, NO PETS

POLICE ARREST EVERYONE ON FEBRUARY 22

APARTMENT AVAILABLE: JUST ASK FOR PENIS

 

 

2017: A HIND-END VIEW FROM THE MULE OR ASS

2017 definitely was not a good year for the Mule as he kept practicing having heart attacks, and it certainly was not a good year for the Mets, Giants, or Jets. But no reason for despair, certainly worse things are ahead. All that aside, it is time to take a deeper probe into forbidden territory and discover what good doctors managed to retrieve and enjoy a little humor as we get to the bottom line.

One patient got screwed, or maybe he didn’t, but a screwdriver was retrieved from his ass. Hopefully in a vertical and not horizontal position; the screwdriver that is.

And for another patient, it was not just a hole in one, but several, as golf balls were dislodged from the rectum. No doubt they were washed thoroughly and returned to the caddy’s bag.

One youngster was the life of the party by doing the old shot glass up the ass trick. Future drinks from that source were declined.

Now here one that is Head and Shoulders above the others – a shampoo bottle got stuck in that awkward opening and impeded bowl movements until it was extricated.

Not to be outdone, a water bottle was jammed in the anus. Must have felt pretty cool when it was squeezed and the contents were squirted.

You can never be clean enough in there so in went a can of deodorant. Just push the nozzle for a refreshing healthy spray.

And finally, if this isn’t the cat’s ass, the giggling folks in the emergency room probably thought they had seen it all until they had to yank out a can of cat food. Wonder if the grateful patient let out a meow.

Oh hell, here’s a few bonus entries as we move to the front part.

For men and their penises, let’s look at the list of what’s been going in and out of the favorite part of their anatomy.

One fella took the word screw seriously and that’s just what he stuck in there. Ahh, a little twist and a turn to maximize the pleasure.

Perhaps nothing says love like a paperclip piercing the penis. Not recommended for those who were considering it.

Women are more versatile in what they can embrace. One might even say they have better taste. Or at least one did when out came a lollipop.

Did she accidentally call 911? More likely she dialed it up when her boyfriend cleverly inlaid a cell phone. Pun intended?

How about this one? Honey, do you know where my headphones are? / Sure, right where you left them last – in my vagina.

So there you have it, closing out the year on a happy note although on occasion there was cause to cringe and recoil.

 

TANTRUM DAY IN THE NFL

” I think the syphilis is finally getting to Winston’s brain. Wow!” – Tampa fan who thinks quarterback Jameis Winston may have an STD

” What an embarrassing clown. Who does Winston think he is? Dez Bryant?” – Tampa fan who has a low opinion of Jameis Winston

” Dez is the embodiment of the Dallas team. Big ego, low performance, all hype, no results.” – NFL fan who thinks the Cowboys are frauds

Football is an intensely emotional game. It is a given that players get upset and angry. For some like Jameis Winston of the Bucs it can be manifest in a solo epic meltdown; for others like Dez Bryant of the Cowboys it is more habitual juvenile rants. Winston had some justification for his eruption although he certainly was excessive. The crab leg thief believed he had recovered a fumble but the refs stole it from him, and true to his Florida St. Seminole roots where discipline was never at a premium, he went after the officials, vociferously expressing his dissent. After a brief lull he went ballistic again, this time on the sidelines where he pushed a team staff member. It was all for naught as Tampa stumbled again in a hard-fought painful defeat to the Panthers 22-19. Winston was a liability as he lost three fumbles but only one was worthy of becoming unhinged. Maybe the seven sacks he incurred were too brain jarring.

The narrow loss was a microcosm of the Bucs’ season where they have dropped four in a row by three points or less, or in overtime. Regarded as a possible up and coming force in the NFC South, Tampa is 4-11 and much of their undoing can be traced to poor special teams play and red zone woes; which by extension are coincidentally related to Winston’s own shortcomings. They rank 25th in the league in red zone efficiency and a good share of the blame rests on the combustible Winston and his occasional stand-ins, they have completed on 13 of 35 passes when in prime scoring territory.

Red zone heartache is an equally touchy subject with the Cowboys. They loitered at the gates of gold but came up empty. In a bizarre sequence they evidently forgot they had a capable running back and tried to outwit the Seattle defense. It proved to be a fool’s errand as they went from first and goal at the one to 4th and eternity. Naturally they missed the critical field goal and saw their playoff hopes dashed.

While there is cause for having offensive coordinator Scott Linehan’s head examined, another head case twitched and raged in his weekly fit. Dez Bryant found fault with the coaches and his quarterback and earned camera credits for his outburst. (He usually does, maybe that is part of the appeal for him.) Perhaps some introspection is in order for the volatile Bryant as he fumbled once and let another pass slip through his hands for an interception. The shrewd and humble Jerry Jones may want to reconsider his investment on a receiver who had just three catches for 44 yards on the day and has yet to record a 100 yard receiving game for the season. Quarterback Dak Prescott was a little miffed at all the convulsions and offered his take on the matter: ” I guess I’ll have to throw him a better ball, just put it right there on his facemask and don’t give him a chance to drop the ball.”

While Dallas was perfecting their designs on self-destruction, the Seahawks almost one-upped them. It was a rare game where a team had more penalty yards (142) than total yards (136). You have to go back to the ’66 Eagles for a similar feat. They were coached by the enigmatic Joe Kuharich who dispensed wisdom such as ” Don’t sit there like a sore thumb.”; and ” It’s as easy as falling off a piece of cake.”

If that didn’t confound you perhaps this will, the Bills failed to score an offensive touchdown against the Patriots this year, except for the one TD on Sunday that wasn’t one when the officials took an exasperatingly long time to reach a verdict. If it takes that long, then it is not incontrovertible and should stand. Be that as it may, the ugly fact is they scored a mere three points combined in the second half in their two outings with New England. One coaching call also merits some discussion. When Buffalo had a 4th and one at the NE 32, coach Sean McDermott elected to try for a field goal; a fifty yard attempt that predictably failed. Why when you have a back like McCoy do you not go for it? Besides, you are playing in Foxboro and threes aren’t good enough when Brady is on the loose.

Scoring ten points or fewer is not good enough to win many games either. But that is exactly what the Giants have done six times this year. That speaks volumes about why they are 2-13, their worst record in franchise history. They didn’t score at all in a 23-0 humiliation at the hands of Arizona. There is no quick fix in sight but they should start by ditching Eli Manning. Some of that ineptitude on offense is on him. Even on the rare occasions when he has time to throw, he misses receivers badly and he has never been fleet of foot in evading the pass rush. If he goes on the market someone will snag him and NY can take measures to get a fresh start.

Will it merit immortality? Fans no doubt remember Mark Sanchez and his infamous butt fumble when he played for the Jets and now Marcus Lattimore of the Saints may join him in the pantheon of anal antics with his butt interception. After a deflection and some bobbling of a Matt Ryan pass, Lattimore managed to tuck the ball securely against the tender part of his anatomy and was rewarded with a stinky but valid interception.

Will he be banished to obscurity? Cleveland’s DeShone Kizer continued to pad his league leading interception total by throwing two more duds against the Bears in an ugly 20-3 loss. Kizer, who was clearly ill-prepared for making the early jump to the NFL now has surrendered 21 picks on the year and will likely join the growing graveyard of Browns quarterbacks when the team selects a quarterback with one of their first round choices in 2018. Some high profile college stars have expressed their reluctance to play quarterback for Cleveland, and with good reason, the line has allowed 44 sacks this year.

Will he earn his deserved recognition? The book should be closed on the MVP discussion. Todd Gurley of the Rams all but locked up the award with another two touchdown, 276 yard outing on Sunday. He now has 19 TDs and 2100 yards on the season. Those are Gale Sayers-like numbers and though some still promote Brady as a possible alternative, sentiment should not govern the balloting. Go with Gurley on this one.

Will he have a bologna sandwich and Diet Pepsi? That is no doubt the query about the Mule and you can register this ballot with a resounding YES. Put another quality meal in the Mule column and let’s conclude with a little ditty from a Bills fan who thinks the team was cheated by the refs in the New England game: ” Jingle bells, Brady smells, officials stack the deck, and owner Joseph Kraft writes another check.” 

 

MULE UNDERGRAD POETRY: BASEBALL AND RELIGION

Jesus Christ was born in ‘ 41,

And before his preaching years begun,

He pitched for the Angels and he won,

Twenty games and then twenty-one.

Faster than Hell, all the batters said

He threw some curves that could spin your head.

 

The Angels offered him ten million a year,

But he refused, said ” There’s a different call I hear.

Got to preach the scripture, that’s my mission,

Be sure to buy the revised edition.

It has everything you need to know,

And useful hints to help you grow.”

 

The Angels replied: ” If that’s all you have to say,

Go to Hell, we don’t need you anyway.”

About the time Christ began his fast

The Angels were sinking to dead last.

“Christ’s the blame”, they screamed like thunder,

” He’s the one who put us under.”

 

” We’ll get him”, they all had vowed

Him and that dirty slovenly crowd,

That hangs around him day and night.

We’ll teach them scoundrels what’s wrong and right.”

And that very night they became to plot

How to seize him and his lot.

 

So one night while in the Garden,

After supper’s bread had hardened,

The Angels stormed in with bats and balls,

And ordered him against the wall.

” You should have known that sooner or later,

You’d get your due, you dirty traitor.”

 

Then they dragged him to their boss,

” What’s all this talk about the cross?

Who do you think you are?” the boss demanded!

Christ replied, ” I only do what I’m commanded.”

“We’ve heard enough, bellowed the team,

Let’s take him out and make him scream !”

 

Then they forced him to the mound,

With 50,000 screaming fans all around,

” You’re gonna pitch or you’re gonna die !”

” Let him die. the fans did cry.

We all came to see him perform,

But there’s no hope, he won’t reform.”

And once crucified, they saw him wince,

And the Angels have been winning ever since.

 

 

 

A SPECIAL MULE HAPPY HOLIDAY STORY

A dead body was found in Chicago. That no doubt gets your antennae twitching, maybe even a suspicion that the Mule is concocting a real whopper. Now get this, the corpse was infested with arsenic, police and the coroner suspected it was a homicide. Now you think, this is really pushing the boundaries of credulity – a person murdered? In Chicago? Who would do such a thing in Chicago? Well, it was in the 1920s and back then people did kill people in Chicago. It gets even better, the suspect is a woman. Let the howls of derision begin: a murderess in Chicago, Mule you have gone all crackpot for sure. No one is going to believe this tale. But you just hold to your rat poison, because the Mule is going to take you down a trail of female duplicity, deviousness, and dementia – we have a female serial killer story cooking.

The cur in question is a woman named Tillie Klimek, and calling her a plain-looking woman would be a compliment. That’s important because the Mule doesn’t tell stories where he just demeans people out of the blue. He’s not the cheeky snippy type. Anyway, Tillie was a real dilly, she had been married four times. Marriage has always been a risky proposition since the first caveman grunted and took a spouse and then grunted some more. And Tillie rolled craps four times, a bad streak, maybe she should have tried for five but other circumstances thwarted that prospect.

Let’s examine her troubled world of matrimony more closely. Tillie came to the U.S. from Poland during a great wave of Polish immigration at the end of the 19th and early 20th century, she was Polish and settled in Chicago. She got married and her husband died in 1914, though apparently Tillie didn’t mourn him, she got married again a month later. And that husband died ninety days later. One might say 1914 was a bad year for husbands. Pretty good year for the savvy Tillie though, she collected $ 3,000 in insurance money and the dead men’s savings. Ha, it might seem a little suspicious now, she was sort of a husband entrepreneur: Bag them, bang them, then bury them.

With two in the ground, Tillie got that infernal husband itch again. She tried to corral a Polish guy from Chicago named Joe. The clever Tillie tried to woo him with a romantic adventure to lovely Milwaukee which is where many new romantic partners still love to go. You know the routine, young man gets down off his tractor, gets an erection, and the woman says: ” Let’s go to Milwaukee.” How could anyone refuse an offer like that? Joe didn’t, he went with Tillie but would not make Milwaukee famous; he wasn’t ensnared by the wiles of Tillie, he didn’t propose. This really pissed her off, which as you may have guessed at this point in this exciting Christmas narrative, was not a good idea. I am going to pause here so you can catch your breath … and to add a little suspense. You can even participate: What do you think became of Joe?

Did you guess right? Here’s the answer: a few days after he and Tillie returned from Milwaukee, the romance was terminated – because he mysteriously ended up dead. Jesus Christ, that Tillie is wiping out all of them – spouses, prospects, rejects. She clearly needs a new husband though and sure enough, got married for the third time. Well it was kind of a rocky domestic situation and Tillie kept a lover on the side; always good to have a spare when the first unit is faulty. Husband number three was a man named Frank and two years into the marriage he became fatally ill and Tillie got a great deal on a coffin, which poor Frank soon occupied. Tillie made off with $ 675 in insurance money which wasn’t too bad a haul for that era.

But this left Tillie a problem, she needed a husband. Now here is a real kick in the corpse, a 50-year-old widower named Joe showed up to the funeral. Not to admire Frank in the discount coffin but to catch Tillie’s roaming eye. And he succeeded ! He would become a naive and ill-fated marriage partner. Tillie wearied of Joe rather quickly and told her cousin Nellie, “I am tired of Joe, time to get rid of him.” Nellie suggested a divorce but Tillie thought that was too messy, why go through all the paperwork and grief in the courts when a wholesome meal will expedite matters? And this Joe, like the previous Joe and her other husbands and lovers, loved Tillie’s cooking. Nellie acted as a co-conspirator in this increasingly macabre scheme. She handed Tillie a little tin powder with the label ” ROUGH ON RATS”, and on the back it said, ” DON’T DIE IN THE HOUSE”, and it showed a rat in repose with its rodent soul departed to rat heaven. It had arsenic in it and Tillie would add a dab to each of her delicious irresistible meals, and Joe II started showing signs of serious illness.

Joe II was on the verge of joining the rats in the hereafter when his brother John intervened. He smelled foul play and though Tillie protested, John brought his own doctor into play. He immediately noted the symptoms of arsenic poisoning and you can guess who everyone blamed – sure – twisted Tillie. On October 26, 1922, Tillie was arrested for the attempted murder of her husband Joe, and for good measure, slippery Nellie was snagged in the sweep. Tillie was on the testy side and told the officer, ” The next one I want to cook a meal for is you.” There was a threat implied in the offer.

Now here is where things get really tasty. An order was given to exhume the bodies of Tillie’s former husbands, and there was a strange coincidence, they all seemed to have consumed arsenic; often in large quantities. Chicago had a female serial killer. This is the point in the program where we place an insert to get a glimpse into the mind of Tillie. You can make your own judgment about her character. She was allowed to visit Joe II, husband number IV in the hospital and when he asked the nurse for a drink of water, Tillie bellowed: ” If he makes any trouble for you, take a two-by-four board and hit him over the head with it.” Mark this in the lacking in compassion column.

Now if it was just husbands and lovers maybe one could squeeze out a little sympathy for Tillie. After all, wanting to punch the eternal bus ticket for one’s better-half is not all that rare. However the body count kept mounting, another four for Tillie, three for Nellie, another for Tillie, another for Nellie. The scoreboard kept ticking, and the presumed final tally was 12 dead, 7 attempts, and one ailing Joe II. Al Capone and the gangsters had nothing on those two. They were examined and there was some conjecture they were psychopaths. The trial turned into a circus and the irritated judge fumed, ” This is not a theater.” He was not very convincing and neither was Tillie when she said she loved her husbands and they loved her. The jury didn’t buy it, they thought Tillie murdered for money or because of malice. Besides, people didn’t like her looks. (Remember my earlier comment about her appearance.) She was convicted and sentenced to life in prison. The prosecution had a harder time selling the Nellie case and she got cut loose, probably mocking poor Tillie who died in prison after serving thirteen years, almost one year per murder. A bargain rate if there ever was one.

And with that we conclude this touching Christmas story. A story full of multiple matrimony, subterfuge, and sadly, lacking in redemption. If nothing else, it will probably induce enthusiasm when the scent of that steamy alluring Christmas dinner hits the table and you dive in without reservation.