HEADLINES AND ANOTHER BATCH OF LOONY LAWS

HEADLINES

TEACHER TELLS PARENTS ” THEY IS STUPID.”

75-YEAR-OLD WOMAN FLIES THROUGH TORNADO IN A BATHTUB

LANDLORD SENTENCED TO DIE FOR EATING TENANT

DUMPED FISH REMAINS UPSET

THIEF NABBED RETURNING FOR ASS

BISHOP CLAIMS TO MAKE PENISES LARGER BY MASSAGING THEM

FEDS PAY RESEARCHER TO HAVE BEES STING HIS PENIS

PASTOR CLAIMS TO CURE AIDS AND GENITAL WARTS WITH HIS HOLY SHOE

MAN FREES SELF FROM MAILBOX

MAN SAYS IT WAS A DEER SPEEDING AND NOT HIM

TAXES TAKE LONGER BECAUSE OF COMPLEX FORMS, STUDY SHOWS

ROBBERY GOES AWRY AFTER SUSPECT FINDS BANK CLOSED

STUDY SHOWS THAT TELEVISION VIEWERS ARE UNHAPPY

THREE YEAR STUDY SHOWS THAT HOMICIDE VICTIMS RARELY TALK TO POLICE

MAN INTERRUPTS BEAR SEX, PAYS THE PRICE

WOMAN SUES RESTAURANT AFTER FALLING OFF DONKEY STATUE

BRITISH MAN REMOVES EARS TO LOOK MORE LIKE PET PARROTS

BUY A DIAMOND, GET A SHOTGUN FREE

IDAHO FUGITIVE GETS CAUGHT AFTER POSTING HIS PLANS ON FACEBOOK

A GREAT DAY FOR KIDS: RULING RELEASES SEX OFFENDERS

LOONY LAWS

X-RAYS MAY NOT BE USED TO FIT SHOES IN THE STATE OF WASHINGTON

IT IS ILLEGAL TO KICK YOUR WIFE OUT OF BED IN LEBANON, VIRGINIA

YOU MAY NOT RIDE AN UGLY HORSE IN WILBUR, WASHINGTON

IT IS ILLEGAL TO KISS ON A TRAIN IN WISCONSIN

IN PORTLAND, OREGON PEOPLE MAY NOT WHISTLE UNDERWATER

IT IS ILLEGAL TO CAUSE A CATASTROPHE IN UTAH

IN PORTLAND, OREGON, YOU CANNOT WEAR ROLLER SKATES IN REST ROOMS

IN CLINTON, OKLAHOMA IT IS ILLEGAL TO MOLEST AN AUTOMOBILE

IN OHIO IT IS ILLEGAL TO INSTALL SLOT MACHINES IN OUTHOUSES

AND FINALLY, IN NEW JERSEY, IT IS ILLEGAL TO WEAR A BULLET-PROOF VEST WHILE COMMITTING MURDER

BREAKING EGGS AND BRAYING ASSES: AMERICA IN CRISIS

” You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.” – Maximilian Robespierre

” Onagracy – government by braying asses.” – Benedetto Croce

America is in a crisis. There is a fierce battle for control of historical memory as waves of anguish soak the nation’s tormented soul. There is fear that the vision of creating a more perfect union has been obliterated. There is fear that the hallowed notion of citizen-centered democracy has been served its obituary notice. The pursuit of happiness has been slain at the altar of leviathan capitalism. Is there a basis for such fear? Is the country careening headlong toward totalitarianism? Has the politics of personality and profit prevailed over the preferences of the polity?

To examine those questions, it is illuminating to address the fundamental issue: What are the signposts of a totalitarian state? We begin by turning to the French Revolution which nurtured the first seeds of modern totalitarianism. One of its architects,  Robespierre bequeathed the omelette analogy. The old had to be broken to usher in the new. Under his short and convulsive tenure, the state became the arbiter of virtue. A guillotine blade decapitating a head gave clarity to the risks of being contaminated by moral and political pollution. In our modern era, breaking eggs and attaining virtue might consist of dismantling a health care system without having an adequate replacement; or worse, eliminating long-standing social safety nets that act as a brace against total impoverishment or succumbing to debilitating pathologies. The contemporary Robespierre imitators might even attempt to eviscerate a public education system that at the least, offers a glimmer of hope and a vehicle for improving one’s standing. Now I am not implying that in establishing its new republic of hawkish market-driven theology, the U.S. would ever resort to such measures. Even with deregulatory enthusiasm all the rage and the captains of corporate culture wresting control from the citizenry, more ingredients need to be added to make the omelette tantalizing and potentially toxic.

To cross that divide into totalitarianism, the unwashed horde needs shaping and direction. Napoleon scooped up Robespierre’s fumble to help create the totalitarian template with censorship, propaganda, and secret police. He controlled the medium and the message. Whether it was the hedonistic French munching their cheese, sipping their wine and contracting venereal disease while allowing overlords to do their thinking for them, or Americans digesting the latest Fox News indoctrination, true believers need a charge to reach peak fanatic heat. The state must dictate the talking points and the history. Compliant media acts as the mouthpiece. Plugging in some “alternative facts” is an effective tactic. Altering or destroying history has always served such regimes well. Libraries are sanitized and the press is cowered into submission as they pledge fealty to the party line. As historian William McCray once observed: ” Historical consciousness is to society, what memory is to an individual. A society without it, is subject to barbarism and tyranny.” 

One can cede the field to distortion or deception. One must choose wisely. There are plenty of warped assertions to select from in the history and science boxes. For those of a racist tint, asserting that slavery was actually a benign system is a good seller. Conspiracy peddlers can convince the science-challenged segment that global warming is a hoax as is that  pesky theory of evolution. Empirical proof is a liberal concoction, it has been that way since the first bacteria found a home in perverted Uncle Lester’s capacious colon: prayer is in, the pharmacist is out. And to make the fabrication cycle complete, throw a bone to the paranoid types. Really feed their delusions by pushing the credulity and hysteria buttons by manufacturing stories about “massacres.” Carting out antagonistic aliens to despise is a surefire method to keep folks mentally and physically battle-ready to thwart subversive elements. Take your pick from the litter, there have always been communists, terrorists, impure sexual types, and deviant illegal immigrants to fill the need. In a pinch you can settle for domestic evildoers. Depending on the era and the country, Catholics, Jews, and Masons were behind every intrigue and calamity. And as a default, you can always blame the New England Patriots.

Still, the transformation needs an identifiable leader. It is not always the case but most of the time, totalitarian or if you prefer – authoritarian states, are associated with a personality cult. Now before I go any farther, I should render a disclaimer, I am not comparing Donald Trump to Joseph Stalin. Indeed it pains me to the deepest wellsprings of my being to mention them in the same sentence. Stalin was narcissistic and keenly sensitive to what he perceived as the slightest insult. He would resort to any measure to demolish opposition. Uncle Joe didn’t even have a Twitter account though he was snidely tagged as ” Genghis Khan with a telephone.”  His presence was ubiquitous: posters, photos, statues, speeches. He had an obsessive need for adulation. Simon S. Montefiore described the mania as having an almost spiritual dimension: ” Bolshevism and Stalinism was not a religion, but it was close enough.” A good helping of religious fervor is a plus in getting the people to march and think in lockstep.

But there are still other pieces to assemble before one can make the transition to a true totalitarian state. The revolutionary rabble must think there is something in it for them. Mussolini assured the dispirited commoners that he would restore Italian ” glory”; it was that old ” Make Italy great again” teaser. Throw in a balcony, some bombast and a jutting chin, and you could get those daring Italians to vacate the opera house or toss out the pasta and go dashing off to Ethiopia. Although Americans have been coveting the conquest of Canada and Mexico since the invention of hockey and Acapulco Gold, they might not be quite as easy to persuade. You can imagine the patriots grumbling when Trump makes the call for action and they have to ditch the tacos and slam down the remotes right in the middle of ” Naked and Afraid in an Arkansas Trailer Park” or ” The Kardashians Do Los Angeles.”  To be fair, it is true there are some mutations in the conservative stew that have reservations about foreign adventurism. I would have said ethical concerns, but one cannot take too many liberties with phrasing and juxtapose ethics and conservatives.

Discarding any notions of ethics, we move to another historical arena. Sometimes grasping the Holy Grail of government control requires a more nimble approach. Hitler and the Nazis used the ballot box to destroy democracy. And they couldn’t have wrecked the republic without the help of ordinary people, even conventionally good people. There was the right blend of the traditional elite, conservative forces, and German Christians who bought into the pseudo-history and pseudo-science platform. Nor can you omit the females. The Nazis needed to harness the women if the utopian Reich was to make its stamp on history. Women who knew their place. (Damn, that sounds almost like a Fundamentalist Christian convention.) Anyway,  benefits were to be had if females consented to the subjugation, there were attractive tax cuts available if they ably performed the imperative breeding duties. It was the clever ” Bonus for Babies” prescription, and if all went well, junior would soon be girding up his Aryan loins, out waving a Swastika and chanting the ordained drivel. Americans, being a more righteous brood, draw from scripture to achieve the same effect: ” Be fruitful and multiply.” Or in the common vernacular, ” Keep them barefoot and in the kitchen.” Why even Chairman Mao, no novice when it came to the dictatorship business, also served as an authority on childbirth. According to the plump demigod, ” Pregnancy and having babies is easy.” So there you have it, to make the dictatorship complete, women had to hop aboard the totalitarian train and copulate and propagate.

There was plenty of excitement in the Fatherland as the reproduction machinery was getting oiled and lubricated. Hannah Arendt, an author who penned provocative prose on totalitarian states contended that such societies needed ” constant motion” (and commotion). She wasn’t referring to motion and coital acrobatics in the sanctuary of the rollicking Reich bedrooms, she meant the rallies and marches, and of course those intoxicating book burning spectacles. Until Hitler plunged the Germans into war, nationwide there were sometimes as many as 3,000 meetings and marches a day. It gave the tribe cohesion and a sense of purpose. It must stressed again that Hitler and the Nazis assumed power legally. And two weeks after they did so, Thomas Mann lamented: ” The common scum have taken power, accompanied by the rejoicing of the masses.”

A sweep through the historical register should be cause for foreboding. The rejoicing of those masses is often short-lived. As the phrasing goes, ” The revolution devours its own children.” Historian Gabriel Liulevicius warns that ” It is dangerous to be unaware of the historical record and sinister ideologies.” America is in a state of crisis. It is consumed by hyper-nationalism and a fetish for a mythical pure free-market ideology. An ideology that cloaks the more malignant streaks of its ardor by pinning its idiom to long-deceased Puritans and Founding Fathers. Such is the argot: ” America is a Christian Nation.” Meaning, let’s play theocracy. Or it is manifest in such disturbing cult bands like the Tea Party, an upgrade on the John Birch Society with right-wing media and the NRA as its benefactors. With all the purported reverence for those Founding Fathers, perhaps the most eloquent of that intellectual elite should be heeded. To quote Thomas Jefferson: ” There will be major battles between rapacious capitalism and democracy.”  The battles never cease and the crisis does not lessen, and as Dante said: ” The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.” 

 

 

 

 

 

HEADLINES AND MORE CRAZY LAWS

HEADLINES

WOMAN PLEADS GUILTY TO HAVING SEX SO LOUDLY, IT SHOOK NEIGHBOR’S FURNITURE

DOCTORS REMOVE WEDDING RING FROM MAN’S PENIS

STUDY SHOWS THAT BANGING YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL IS BAD FOR YOU

MAYOR IS OUSTED BY MICE

RESEARCHERS NOW SAY LETTUCE CAN HEAR WHEN BEING EATEN

HUNGOVER EMPLOYEE CALLS IN SICK ON DAY OFF

29 HURT AS STUDENTS DEMAND RIGHT TO CHEAT

THE EROTIC CARP CALENDAR IS HERE IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS

WANTED:  PART-TIME HERMIT

VOTE FOR WIENER AND BEAVER IN THE MARCH 15 VILLAGE ELECTIONS

MAN BIKES 300 MILES THE WRONG WAY TRYING TO GET HOME

DOCTOR ISSUES WARNING OVER DANGERS OF HITTING TESTICLES WITH CONCRETE BLOCKS

MAGICIAN’S CAR VANISHES

WOMAN SURPRISED TO FIND ANACONDA IN HER TOILET

MAN SHOOTS BOSS TWICE, THEN QUITS JOB

CRAZY LAWS

IN TAMPA, WOMEN MAY NOT EXPOSE THEIR BREASTS WHILE PERFORMING “TOPLESS DANCING”

IN CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS IT IS ILLEGAL TO PEE IN YOUR NEIGHBOR’S MOUTH

IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA YOU MAY NOT OPEN A SODA BOTTLE WITHOUT THE SUPERVISION OF A LICENSED ENGINEER

IN NEW YORK, A MAN MAY BE FINED $ 25 FOR TURNING AROUND TO LOOK AT A WOMAN; FOR A SECOND OFFENSE, THE MAN MUST WEAR HORSE BLINDERS WHEN HE GOES OUTSIDE

IN UTAH, IT IS ILLEGAL NOT TO DRINK MILK

IN PORTLAND, OREGON, IT IS ILLEGAL TO PERFORM A WEDDING CEREMONY ON AN ICE SKATING RINK

CATS ARE FORBIDDEN FROM ENTERING CEMETERIES IN SUN PRAIRIE, WISCONSIN

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MARRY YOUR HOUSE IN WISCONSIN

IN VIRGINIA, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR CHILDREN TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING ON HALLOWEEN

AND IN CULPEPER, VIRGINIA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO WASH A MULE ON THE STREET

 

 

 

HEADLINES AND STRANGE STATE LAWS

PSYCHOLOGISTS SAY THEY CAN INOCULATE YOU AGAINST FAKE NEWS

STAY TUNED FOR THE LYING WEATHER FORECAST

SNOWMAN QUITS TOP OPERA JOB

WINNERS OF THE CAMEL BEAUTY CONTEST ANNOUNCED

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL ANAL EXAMS

SLEEPING PILLS SHOWN TO CAUSE DROWSINESS

TERRIFIED BRIDE HITS HUSBAND WITH WINE BOTTLE AFTER SEEING HIS PENIS

LAW ABIDING PERVERT ARRESTED

EATING A SNAKE IS NIGHTMARE FUEL

OREO-CADBURY EGGS ARE A THING

STRANGE LAWS

IN MOBILE, ALABAMA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO HOWL AT A WOMAN WITHIN CITY LIMITS

IN TAMPA, LAP DANCES MUST BE GIVEN SIX FEET AWAY FROM THE PATRON

IN CRESSKILL, NEW JERSEY, ALL CATS MUST WEAR THREE BELLS TO WARN BIRDS OF THEIR WHEREABOUTS

IN HADDON, NEW JERSEY, IT IS ILLEGAL TO ANNOY SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

IN GEORGIA IT IS ILLEGAL TO USE PROFANITY IN FRONT OF A DEAD BODY IN THE FUNERAL HOME OR THE CORONER’S OFFICE

IN WYNONA, OKLAHOMA IT IS ILLEGAL FOR MULES TO DRINK OUT OF BIRD BATHS

IN TEXAS, IT IS ILLEGAL TO HAVE SEX IN THE BACK OF AN AMBULANCE IF IT IS RESPONDING TO AN EMERGENCY CALL

IN OREGON IT IS ILLEGAL TO WHISPER DIRTY THINGS IN A LOVER’S EAR DURING SEX

IT IS ILLEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH THE LIGHTS ON IN VIRGINIA

AND HERE’S ONE FROM WINNIPEG, CANADA, IT IS ILLEGAL TO GO NAKED IN YOUR HOME IF YOU LEAVE THE BLINDS UP

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEADLINES AND EXCITING CRIME REPORTS

CITY WANTS DEAD TO PAY FOR CLEAN UP

NO GAMES, NO GIMMICKS: KOTEX MINI-PAD DRINKS, $319

ANGRY WOMAN ATTACKS CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WITH USED SANITATION PAD

WOMAN ATTACKED BY TRAIN STATION

MAN GETS TICKET FOR WARMING HIS CAR UP IN HIS DRIVEWAY

FEMALE ROBOT TURNS ON THE CHARM

IT’S INTERNATIONAL FETISH DAY, SO LET’S LEARN ABOUT THE FETISH FOR BEES

CHURCH TALKS

COMBO MUFFLER-ICE CREAM SHOP PLANNED

KLONDIKE SLOPPY HOES, $ 5.50

DRUNK MAN PULLS TOY GUN, EMPLOYEE PULLS REAL GUN

MOTEL, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED … BY OWNER

DEATH RULED UNAVOIDABLE

TRY THE YELLING DENTAL CLINIC

MORONIC INTERNET TREND HAS PEOPLE BREAKING THEIR THUMBS

BRIDGE SETS 60 MPH LIMIT FOR PEDESTRIANS

CALLING A MAN MAD FOR 40 DAYS WILL DRIVE HIM TO MADNESS

CRIME REPORTS

MIDGETT NEEDS TO GROW UP   Robin Midgett is a normal sized 39-year old who recorded a big score on her BAC when she was tested by State Troopers. When a vehicle was observed stopped in the middle of the highway in Macedon at 1 a.m. officers became suspicious that something was amiss. Sure enough when they investigated, a Midgett was inside and intoxicated. When the alcohol test was administered, a result of .28 % BAC was registered. This qualified her for an Aggravated DWI to complement her Stopping in the Roadway charge. She was released with tickets and assigned a court appearance, and Midgett was told to go home and grow up.

HOT TIP LEADS TO CANOE ARREST   Following a solid lead, State Police were able to locate canoe and kayak thieves from Marion. Kayaking is a favorite pastime in Wayne Co. and some high-profile celebrities such as Eric Lewis often participate. However while evidence seems to indicate Eric comes by his kayaks honestly, that is not true for other devious types. Another Eric, one Eric Gallivan, age 41, and his accomplice – the poker-faced Tara Flint (42) tried to ride the wave of success in the thriving black market for these recreational items. The investigation led to such far-reaching places as seedy pawn shops in Rochester and Tom’s Bargain Shop in Newark. It was no bargain for Eric and Tara and their hearts probably sank when they were arrested for the theft of two canoes and two kayaks and charged with multiple counts of Petit Larceny. The lesson to be learned from this is if you steal a canoe or kayak in Wayne County, you may soon find yourself swimming in criminal charges.

HOGAN IS NO HERO   Austin Hogan is a 22-year-old from Sodus who is no hero to his relatives. He is an outcast because he is a heroin user who steals to support his habit. This watery-eyed derelict was reported for pilfering various personal possessions from the home of those relatives and during the ensuing investigation not only was the missing property discovered, but also a stash of heroin. Hogan insisted he had no idea how it got there because he is as clean as a hound’s tooth. He was clearly barking up the wrong tree because he was charged with Petit Larceny and Criminal Possession. To the disappointment of his kin he was released with just an appearance ticket and an Order of Protection, so they are on the alert, because to them, Hogan is no hero.

ORDERS OF PROTECTION DON’T SEEM TO BE WORKING   Steve Sapp is a lonely 59-year-old from Newark who may be the record holder for violating Orders of Protection. That is no small feat in a county where such documents are routinely ignored. He has been charged again with Criminal Contempt for such violations, and apparently regards the notices as a bureaucratic nuisance not worth heeding. His count for indulging his harassment fetish where he texts and calls his ex-wife to threaten her has now reached 113 and understandably she is becoming quite frustrated. But maybe 114 will be the magic number because Sapp appeared in court and was released – with yes – another Order of Protection.

DEATH THREATS NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY   Bob Debout is also from Newark and has two prior convictions for Criminal Contempt of Orders of Protection because he continues to contact his estranged wife and threatens to kill her. After recently being released with an appearance ticket and a new Order of Protection, he called her again and threatened to kill her. She called police, they arrested the 29-year-old Debout, he appeared in court, he was released and given a new Order of Protection.

HE WAS JUST BEING MANNY, AGAIN   Manny Ellis is a 19-year-old who lives in one the less appealing sections of downtown Lyons and despite previous charges and Orders of Protection for stalking and tormenting his ex-girlfriend, he was back at her apartment annoying her again. She called police, they arrested Manny, he appeared in court for charges of Harassment and Criminal Contempt of an Order of Protection, he was released on his own recognizance, given a new Order of Protection, and told to quit bothering the woman.

A REAL SALTY SCENE IN NEWARK   Crazy Curt Tucker is a 46-year-old whose face is peppered with scars, bruises and patchy hair stubs. The tempestuous Tucker was arrested after an incident where he attacked his sister and threw her through a glass storm door causing multiple lacerations. Then you might say he tried to rub salt in the wound: he dragged her onto the kitchen floor and dumped a bag of salt on her. When police arrived, Tucker became even more enraged and refused to cooperate. He failed to deter the officers when he hoisted a chair and gave it a heave in their direction. An innocent wall took the brunt of the wrath, score that – broken wall and broken chair. Without chair or bag of salt, Tucker was defenseless and taken into custody and assigned bail of $ 200 for Reckless Endangerment and Resisting Arrest.

A SOUR DAY FOR SWEET   Angie A. S. Sweet tried to act cool when the 38-year-old crept out of the bustling Macedon Walmart with an infrared heater valued at $179. A diligent employee of the store observed the theft and had the presence of mind to contact law enforcement. They tracked Sweet to another Walmart where she was located inspecting air conditioners. After a brief court arraignment she was released with appearance tickets, but the judge didn’t sugarcoat it – Sweet is to stay clear of Walmarts.

 

 

 

 

 

HEADLINES FOR YOUR WEEKEND HAPPINESS

TOPLESS DRUNK CHASES PEOPLE TO ASK THEM ABOUT LEMON MERINGUE PIE

NEARLY NUDE BROTHERS ARRESTED FOR DRIVING DIRT BIKES THROUGH WALMART

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO WALK INTO A MUSEUM AND TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF?

CITY COUNCIL APOLOGIZES AFTER SENDING VOTERS TO PORN SITE

COUNCIL STAFF COULD BE AXED

MAYOR BANS SEX AT LOCAL LIBRARY

JUDGE POUNDS PUD

HOT DOGS AND AIDS, ONLY $ 2.50

LONG YELLOW THINGS ONLY COST 78 CENTS

NEW OFFICER HOURS FOR DR. TARA CHERRY – GYNECOLOGIST

JESUS CONDOM GETS YEARBOOK PICTURE TAKEN

CONCEIVING A WAY TO GET MORE BABIES

HARRY BONER CELEBRATES 20 YEARS OF DEDICATED SERVICE

EVERYBODY LOVES MOREHEAD, BRANDI MOREHEAD, SEX COLUMNIST

YELLOW PERCH DECLINE TO BE STUDIED

EX-DICTATOR BROKE, LIVING WITH MOM

STUDIES SHOW PEOPLE AREN’T DRINKING ENOUGH WHISKEY

DRUNK WOMAN STEALS A FERRY AND YELLS, ” I’M JACK SPARROW !”

MAN WANTS ” HELL” TAKEN OUT OF “HELLO”

NEW ZEALAND SCIENTISTS USE BALLOON TO MEASURE CATTLE FARTS

 

 

AND THE HEADLINES KEEP COMING

CATHOLIC CHURCH OFFERS CONFESSIONAL APP

WOMAN FINDS A HAT IN A TREE

DISPUTE OVER GRASS CLIPPINGS INVOLVED MAN ARMED WITH TWO SMALL KNIVES VERSUS ONE WITH A MACHETE AND FIVE ROTTWEILERS

MAN ESCAPES ON LAWNMOWER FROM INTOXICATED, MACHETE-WIELDING MAN

WOMAN WALKS IN ON BURGLARS HAVING SEX

IF DOOR DOES NOT OPEN, DO NOT ENTER

FULL SERVICE – DICK ASSMAN IS HERE

SEX OFFENDER MISTER LOVE ARRESTED

DR. SHIT IS SCIENTIST OF THE MONTH

OUR CARPET CLEANER IS SAFE FOR CARPETS TOO

SPIDERS SIGN UP FOR ARMY

PROSTITUTE BEATS UP MAN WHO PAID WITH A BOILED EGG

GET CLOSER TO URINAL FOR A BETTER LIFE

SPECIAL – DREADED VEAL CUT

MAN’S BODY FOUND WITH GENITALS IN A TUNA CAN

PLEASE GO SLOW – ACCIDENT PORN AREA

NEWLY ELECTED SHERIFF ARRESTED FOR SELLING METH

THERE ARE MORE VASECTOMIES TO BE DONE – SEE DR. RICHARD CHOPP

YOUR DRIVER IS ANASS RHAMMAR, GRATUITIES APPRECIATED

7-WATT BLUE BULB: LASTS APPROXIMATELY 1,000 HOURS IN ENGLISH; 2,000 HOURS IN SPANISH